Babies, shopping, Bloo, gym stubbornness, pub quiz, plans & Being straightforward.

Time ; 1537
Listening to ; FEEDER ‘Comfort in Sound’
Just ; awake after my 1st night duty


I have forsaken neddy-pestering on this bright, sunny day to catch up here, I hope you lot appreciate this ?

So what’s been happening in the two weeks since Rutland ?

Summer has happened. The sequence of seasons this year has been, winter, winter, winter ….. SUMMER ! It has gate-crashed in a truly spectacular fashion. Spring didn’t even get a look in. Spring was left rudely trampled face-down in the dirt by Summer in her haste to throw her coat off & order a Pimms. One day it was 40 denier tights, scarf & gloves. The next it’s gipsy boho chic, muslins & gossamer tops. Very scary & confusing for flesh which has been swaddled for 4 months.

Last Thursday the 17th was Derv’s leaving do. I was very sad to see him go. I will refer you to Milk Yuk’s account for 2 reasons 1) It saves me time & 2) If I can’t do it funnier I’m not doing it at all …

I called in to see Cocky after riding her neddy Snippet this Wednesday. If you’ve been paying attention you’ll remember Cocky has just had twin girls & moved house in the same week. To be factually correct she re-moved into a house that she & her family had vacated for 6 months for building work.

I remember seeing the house on day 1. It had just been vacated by an old guy who had lived there for 50 years without an alteration. As Cocky & Garth showed me around full of enthusiasm & plans, one thought bounced around my head ‘Why ?’ ‘Why would you move from your last house, which you had just finished ?’ I am one of those people who can never see the potential in old buildings. I like them, don’t get me wrong, it’s just when people say ‘…& then we’ll knock this through & build a gazebo/spa pool/child torture pit here …’ I just look & think ‘Hard work’.

I am happy to report I was completely bowled over with Cocky’s place now, it was like walking into a different house.

It is immensely stylish, beautifully finished & shows such thought in planning & I couldn’t be more thrilled for her. She gave me the grand tour & unlike some people who spring to mind, didn’t take glee in recounting every cost & being insufferably ‘me me me’ about it. With it’s cool tones & unfussy lines the best way I can describe it is it’s like booking into one of those health spa stately homes for the weekend.

Oh & the babies slept the whole time I was there.

Cocky reports already that they are ‘nothing like Harry’ which has to be a relief. She looks utterly exhausted & incredibly thin (note to self, twins give you jutting cheekbones, is it worth it ? NO. ) however, she has her mum there helping her for a few weeks easing the strain. Garth’s mum has just done her stint & her leaving has eased the strain too – bad Briggsy. (She keeps trying to get Cocky to wear metallic sandals, need I say more ? She has now been told she can ride in 3 months – hurry Cocky, hurry.

Cocky’s response to my question ‘What’s the most useful thing I could get you for the girls ?’ was prompt & to the point ‘Nappies’. So for the 1st time in my life I found myself trying to choose nappies from the bewildering display in Sainsburys. 15kgs is about right for newborn isn’t it ?

Ruminating in the ‘Baskets Only’ queue my eye was caught by the ‘Self Pay’ tills. How hard could that be ?

I dumped the nappies to the right of the scanner, pressed the ‘Commence’ button & we were away.

‘Three pounds ninety-nine pence’ the Posh Lady on the computer intoned as I showed the tiny man in the scanner machine the 1st pack of nappies. Childsplay

I transferred the nappies to the left of the scanner intending to put all four packs in the bags once I had completed scanning them.

'Unexpected obstacle in the bag packing area’ a stern male voice informed me. I looked around to see if anyone had heard. The line of people queuing behind me looked at me as if I had been caught eating dung. I regarded the ‘bag packing area’ with alarm, wondering what ‘unexpected obstacle’ the stern man could be referring to ? Observing nothing untoward I applied my ostrich’s logic to the problem & returned to package no 2 of nappies.

I showed it to Posh Lady. Posh lady remained tight-lipped. I showed it again, at a slightly more oblique angle to Posh Lady. Nothing. Stern man said again (slightly more forcefully this time) ‘Unexpected obstacle in the bag packing area’ in a tone which suggested I had better goddamn do something about it.

Glancing again, I realised what he was talking about. The nappies which I hadn’t put in a bag. How can something you’ve just scanned & put in the ‘Bag packing area’ possibly be ‘An Unexpected Obstacle in the bag packing area’ ? Oh well, live & learn Briggsy. So I walked past the scanner with the 2nd package of nappies to pack the 1st one.

‘Three pounds ninety-nine pence’ said Posh Lady, slightly sarcastically. I looked around wondering why she had said it, then realised she had scanned the 2nd pack of nappies in my arms. How ? I hadn’t even shown it to the tiny man in the scanner.

I didn’t even look at the people behind me this time.

Having successfully packed both packs of nappies I managed to scan the remaining 2 without incident. I thought I was home & dry until I decided that I would transfer 2 packs into a separate carrier bag. This, it seemed, was a Big Mistake. Stern Man repeated himself until he was blue in the face to the effect that ‘There is an unexpected …’ ‘Yeah yeah I know, I’m trying to sort it out, what’s your problem ?’ I found myself muttering to him. His wife’s probably having an affair I decided.

It was then time to pay. The choice was straightforward ‘Cash or Card’. ‘Card’ I pressed confidently, in the manner of someone who uses computers on a daily basis & displaying to those waiting some attempt at regaining control of the situation. It was short-lived however as my eyes began flicking over the contraption in front of me wondering where the hell I was supposed to ‘Insert Card Now’. I was expecting to see the sort of slot similar to the ones on an ATM machine. No, no, no. Just at the point I was considering leaving the nappies & fleeing red-faced for the door, I spotted it, one of those chip & pin jobbies perched precariously on top of the machine mocking me with it’s slitty, swipey smile.

Having retrieved my card I set about replacing it in my purse.
‘Remove your goods’ said Posh Lady in a voice which implied ‘Get the f**k out & don’t come back’. She said it 3 times before I was ready to leave.

I have come to the conclusion that there is a very talented mimic who sits behind a one-way mirror situated near these machines. He gets his kicks from mocking people like me. He’ll get his.

In hindsight swapping pleasantries with ‘Tracey’ on ‘Baskets Only’ is a more civilised option.


Wednesday was also the day for a much overdue catch up call with Bloo. I am rubbish at answering my phone on rest days. Bloo knows & accepts this. It’s for the simple reason that if it’s a rest day I’m neddy pestering & as there’s nothing I’d rather be doing, I am loathe to let a phone disturb me.

Bloo’s 1st call came just after the beginning of ‘Galvanize’ on the radio. Telling him how lucky he was that I answered, we commenced Part 1 of our catch up, until the Headley village black spot terminated our call.

With uncanny timing, his 2nd call in the evening came just as The Stereophonics had commenced ‘Dakota’, another track I can’t ignore at the moment. We finished our chat from earlier with a promise to meet up for a drink. I didn’t tell you this Bloo, but your call kept me company in the tailback from one end of Leatherhead Road to the other, so it really was good timing.

The last time I did any exercise was in January when I was running daily during the work I did at Hendon for the tsunami. Invigorated by Summer’s sudden appearance I headed for the gym to reacquaint myself with sweat.

Question – is there anything more frustrating than stepping on to the treadmill & switching on your CD to find that rather than the 160bpm ‘Beyond Euphoria’ which you thought you had brought/bought (you were right Milk Yuk, the words are in fact interchangeable as you thought, I apologise) you have in fact loaded the very similar in appearance 4bpm ‘Chillout Ibiza’ CD. Ever tried running at 4bpm ? It’s not possible.

Switching to MTV for audio instead, I discovered ‘Platinum Eminem’ which is where things started to get interesting. Eminem does something to me. I am no longer a white, 30 something, respectable job-holding female. I become The Slim Briggsy, a mixed race, testosterone-fuelled misogynist, more at home dodging the law than working for them. I can only just stop short of grabbing my crotch when I watch him.

You might think from this that I don’t like Eminem. You’d be wrong, I find him compulsive. What about his lyrics Briggsy ? Don’t they really hack you off ? No, because he’s as much cabaret as Jane McDonald is. It’s an act & a damn good one at that.

I feel the urge to steal cars & burn things when I listen to Eminem. Luckily both are out of my system now that I am a growed up. Well, the stealing cars one anyway hey Mum ? ‘If they didn’t want you to take it why leave the keys’ was my motto. Ahem.

And so, I commenced running with ‘My name is, my name is, my name is …’ pounding in my head. I planned to run for 20 minutes & no more, having not run in 2 months. Unfortunately the guy on the treadmill next to me left before my 20 minutes was up, meaning that a new person arrived & started running. For reasons which are obvious if you know anyone from Yorkshire, I couldn’t stop running before he did. After he had done his 20, a small fit looking girl got on. I know for a fact that she got on deliberately during ‘Lose yourself’ which is impossible not to run to, so in the end I had to wait til she vacated the treadmill. All of which meant I ran for 45 minutes. And man did I feel great. So great I went & churned up & down the pool for 30 lengths.

Great that is, until Thursday morning. Driving to a meeting on my rest day my legs were shaking as I changed gears.

I’m aiming for the gym tonight, I will only run for 30 minutes. Honest.

Our pub quiz team continues to flourish. This Tuesday saw a very poor turnout (only 5 compared to the usual 12/13) rewarded with a joint 2nd. That’s now a 3rd, a 1st & 2 seconds & if you’re wondering (& I would be) there are usually about 15 teams.

Derv was on inspirational form, plucking seemingly impossible answers from nowhere. The Aztecs & The Dallai Lama (sp ?) were 2 of his more amazing answers. Jim joined us for the 1st time. Jim’s glee in answering a difficult question was such that no-one had the heart to point out that the answer he had provided was in fact, part of the original question. That’s a lie actually, we all pointed it out.

Half time entertainment came in the form of firing peanuts towards Milk Yuk’s open mouth. He covered the upper & lower portions of his face, thus unaware that Andy was taking a run up to launch the missiles, the aim being not to get them in Milk Yuk’s gob but to inflict the maximum amount of pain anywhere that the peanut made contact. Our usual pub team name (inspired by MTM) of ‘Ken Dodd’s dad’s dog’s dead’ was replaced this week by ‘Council Housed And Violent’ in homage to the 3 youths sitting opposite us, one of whom Milk Yuk had previously nicked for disqual driving. Nice pub.

Last night was D team’s 1st night duty. It was hideously busy, courtesy of the fact that Kingston’s populace had responded to the Bank Holiday in the time-honoured tradition. I should be doing all seven nights but as we all have to use up our annual leave prior to April, I am off for the last 3 meaning I only have to do 4 this week. I plan to collect Barley on the Tuesday/Wednesday & head off to do lot of ‘healthy outdoors stuff’.

If all goes to plan I should have her for seven days – yay !

‘Mummy love Barley – Barley love Mummy ?’

The 1st of April will see me heading up the A1 to Yorks to see Mummeh. We plan walks, talks & shopping. I also plan to drive Mummeh’s Subaru. Mummeh doesn’t know this yet.

I will take my leave now & leave you with an observation & a question.

Aren’t straightforward people the business ? Mean what they say, say what they mean – would that everyone was the same, so refreshing, so Heineken.

If I were to say the words ‘tap-dancing weirdo’ which British dancer springs to mind ?

Messages

Murray

I love the new look & I know you’ll be tweaking it for ages, so may I make 2 observations ? The pictures look stunning on the black background & it’s a very clean, professional look. However, although the peach text is readable, the main body of the text is difficult to read against the black. I am currently high-lighting it to read. Also the font & colour of ‘Coffee Waffle’ does not sit well with the rest.

ps. You may want to ask Bloo for some tips on the actual photography ;)

Kevin

Well done mate, I hope things get a little easier now. What is it you’ll be doing ?

Jim

Stick with it for the following reasons
1) The dragon stuff is funny.
2) It makes you feel better (it does me anyway)
3) The septics dig you. I realise this isn’t a glowing
recommendation, but everyone likes to be appreciated.
4) It's not whinging, it's observational.


Everyone

Buy The Stereophonics ‘Language. Sex. Violence. Other ?’

Trust me.

Cx