'I have planned this right down to the last detail'

Is what the guy armed with the samurai sword kept shouting.

Right up to the point where he was decked by baton rounds & a tazer.

I have yet to see one of these in use, but Stuart, who was instrumental in them being adopted by the Met, assures me they are hugely effective.

At the point where he was incapacitated yesterday, the incident had been running for over 4 hours & I was accompanied in the control room by the Superintendent & the Chief Inspector. We were co-ordinating the services of some 50 specialist officers including dogs, armed , tsg, ambulance & fire brigade. It was at this point my phone bleeped

'Where are you ? Can we ring you ?' yes, it was the Cedar Lodge posse.

I explained what I was doing.

'Odd social ife you have' replied Michelle 'don't you know it's Saturday night ?'

Strange as it may sound, yesterday's incident is what I revel in.

The downside is I didn't get to read my paper, in fact, as soon as people see me taking a newspaper into the Control Room, I am greeted with shouts of 'No, put it away'. They know we're in for a manic shift. I should have learned by now.

On the plus side, I really enjoyed the opportunity to use the previously festering grey cells. The amount of behind-the-scenes scurrying whilst something like this unfolds is immense. In truth, all I do is co-ordinate whilst the fantastic front row staff, do their stuff. Yesterday, I was lucky to have Andy, Blah-Blah & the lovely Colin.

Only a week earlier, it could have been so different.

At the end of the shift, I watched the end of 'Deep Impact' to unwind a little prior to the drive home. The Superintendent found me in the canteen watching the Twin Towers being engulfed by a tidal wave.

'What's the matter, not enough death, doom & destruction during your shift then ?' he enquired kindly.

On the way home I thought the whole time how much I wish I was on an ARV crew.

Just as well I'm not :)

Cx

And lo, it came to pass that she who was sought by HIM came to live in Upper Norwood

Do you think they sell geographias of SE19 in Middle Earth ?

There are lots of different ways to say 'hello' aren't there ?

There is the 'hello' which says

'I really don't like you & I've been hoping you wouldn't see me at this social setting but now you have I'll bare my teeth in my nearest approximation of a smile'

There is the 'hello' which says

'I've been saying horrible things about you at the Wild West Night, but now you've said hello to me, I am forced to return the greeting' (Mr Tanner ?)

There is the 'hello' which says

'I am at Surbiton BR Station at midnight, I feel slightly threatened by your drunken, aggressive overtures but am determined not to show it, so will return your hello, so that you don't take offence'

There is the double hello eg. 'Hello, HELLO ?'

The first is a general greeting in a slightly bleary-eyed fashion. The second acknowledges that there is a friend standing on your doorstep at 10.30 & she seems to be labouring under the misapprehension that you were expecting her to come & put several crates of belongings in your loft. You, meanwhile are standing in your dressing gown, wishing they would bugger off & let you enjoy a well-deserved day off. Being a lovely person though, not only do you invite them in, but you make them tea, then assist humping said crates from the car into your loft. You don't even break a smile when their lifelong collection of Horse & Hound breaks fromthe confines of a collapsible plastic box (collapsible at a very inopportune time, I hasten to add)causing serious subdural haematoma to the poor unfortunate underneath the collapsible plastic box.

Oh how we didn't laugh, because that would have been cruel.

Best quote of the day yesterday ?

Without a doubt, Mr Duddy, whilst suffering heat exhaustion from the confines of his loft whence he had been banished to become 'Receiver Of Many Plastic Boxes' who quoth the following whilst browsing afore-mentined 'Horse & Hound'

'I can't come down yet, I'm just learning how to treat tapeworm induced colic'

Peeing your pants funny, when you're hot sweaty & exhausted.

Mr Duddy, you're a class act.

Goodness, it feels good to write.

I don't know how often I'll be able to though, I don't have time to go into details as I need to go to Leith Hill to collect bike gear (story for another time) suffice it to say, Trude's pooter displays the same wilful traits as Michelle's CD player.

And so,I must away, with huge thanks to all the people who gave up very large chunks of their time to assist me with move no 37 (I think, starting to lose count, have to check). It's been said before, but it bears repeating, I have some great friends.

Bye for now, may try to post later, after work, if poooter is feeling obliging.

Cx

Love to Hellifield x

'I don't mean to be funny, but ...'

Why do people invariably start a sentence this way, when they have no intention of being amusing at all ?


:(

Cx

4 days til payday.

Thank you, far too many people.

Cx

So here's how it works ?

I don't write & you lot put more comments than when I do ????

Work that one out.

I've obviously been giving you too much.

For now, I am cold (I am always cold recently) I am tired & really neeeed to be in
beesies because I am meeting Cocky to ride out a 10am tomorrow which means no long lie-in
& here I am writing as I can't bear the thought of Mummeh logging on again, rewardless.

I think it would be jolly dull if I wrote 'ate, slept & worked' for the last 7 days of night duty Blog, so I intend to spare you.

So just some random thoughts for the time being. And some hellos.

The hellos 1st.

Mummeh .. Have you been walkies yet ? How was it ? Did you love her & hug her & call her
George ? I am around Tuesday evening & would love a catch-up call if you get
chance. Will tx you the landline number here. (Back at Di's, not Weeny's any
more)

Milky ... Flippin' eck love, where do I start ? Horrible isn't it ?
Examining who you are, what you want, where you're up to.
I won't offer any of the usual 'time's a great blah blah'
Here's how it is. It will suck for quite a long time. Then it won't.
You won't really notice the transition from one to the other & the 1st
phase will last longer than you expect.
I never thought I would 'yay' someone who left a farming job, but in your
circumstances, completely understandable.
As for looking after the elderly. I couldn't. I'm not up to it.
I'm glad people like you can.
Same goes for mental illness, thank goodness for people like Joe.

Tanners...Sorry I missed your call this morning. I quite often ignore Di's landline
but if you tx ahead, I promise to get my fat, lazy ar5e out of bed & answer.
I looked at some photos of you all the other day (1st time I've been able to)
& thought 'I used to live with those people'. Roll on November.
You are excelling yourself with Blog, I have felt dreadfully out of the loop.
I adore the picture of the alpha male who 'slots for fun', asleep with
a ickle scrap of a kikken snoozing on his chest. All together now ... aaah.
Alice, your quote about catching, killing, cleaning & eating your own trout
made me soooo proud. Robyn & Richard's position ? Yes please, like a shot,
will e-mail you properly on Tuesday, suspect the NZ Govt would be fussy about
visas & stuff. We'll see.

Bloo ... Gurning like an old pro with Alf Stewart ? You sell-out. I thought I knew you.
'wouldn't want to talk about me all the time'; very cruel, very funny.
ps. I am in the cack, will explain all when you ring next ($2 ? bargain)

Hx ... What can I say ? I knew I'd like you. You are more top than a top hat on the
top shelf in a big top. Now put the kettle on & make us a cup o' rosy, you
caaaaaaaaah !

Stan ... I read your Blog. Some of it is almost upbeat ! You went outside on a day
off ! How can you be pale & interesting & Morrissey-like when you have a red
head ? What could possibly have influenced you to go outside ? I wonder.

Bill ... Thanks for understanding.

Weeny ... If I have judged this right you should be sitting down to read this, looking
drop dead gorgeous with a tan & wearing something white, on purpose.
Have e-mailed you about a quiet night in with Rich-Tea & Horlicks.

Angie ... Hope it went away ?

VGC :)

So, those random thoughts I promised.

I am very unsettled at the moment. Not just the UK thing, but as it stands, I have belongings in Hersham at Di's & at Leith Hill, at Stu's old place. I HATE not knowing where anything is & this feeling of living 'on the move' hate it, hate it hate it.

Cannot over-emphasise how much I hate it.

Can you imagine what this feeling of day-to-day randomness does to someone who has to untwist the coils on a telephone wire so they fall perfectly, BEFORE they can answer a call ? Luckily, the end is in sight, in the form of a flat-share in Kingston.

I am awaiting a final say on whether the flat is available early June or early July & I don't expect to feel myself until I move (no.35) & settle there. I have to leave Di's before the 31st May, so that's one more deadline to cram into my hot, little brain. You cannot imagine how strong my nesting instinct is at the moment. No, not kids, I thought you knew me ? Just the urge to have some familiarity & routine. Neeeeeeeeeeeeeeed.

As ever, feel better for having written. Slightly purged you might say.

Thanks for waiting, more news in a more ordered format to come over the next few days.

Cx

Hurrah ! I'm back !

That wasn't very modest was it ? You know what I mean though.

I mean hurrah that my 2 week techno-exile is at an end.

Hello everyone, I had a quick scan through all the usual suspects blogs earlier
but am really looking forward to a proper session of reading with a cup of tea to
catch up properly.

No long entry now though, cos I have stuff to do.

I will write properly tomorrow evening. Promise.

Cx

I am at Di's briefly, dropping off her new vacuum cleaner.

For anyone that missed it earlier, I am sitting on the cat at Weeny's until the 21st & she seems to be able
to live without a pooter ?? so I will not be blogging or reading my e-mails. Send stuff regardless tho & I will
have lots to read when I get back.

IL. Don't be hard on me or yourself, it's sometimes more painful to be honest than not.

Cx

One of the readers emailed me OBO CX and wanted to know more about the characters that have punctuated this blog for the last year. So I hopr you understand now.

See the little Piskey's ....... Dancing Dancing

Did you go to New Zealand for a broken heart ?

Was what one of the canteen ladies asked me this evening ?

How can you possibly take offence when it's worded like that ?

For the past year, I have used only a Dyson vacuum cleaner.

An odd thing to tell you, I know but bear with me.

This morning I cleaned Di's kitchen floor with her Morphy Richards vacuum cleaner.

With a Dyson, you put your left foot on the base of the cleaner & pull the handle approx 45 degrees toward you.

When you do that with a Morphy Richards, it makes an ominous 'crack' noise.

When you look down at the base of the cleaner, you notice, for the 1st time a small black rubber button.

The function of this button (I now know) is to enable the upright to recline.

I had to bite the bullet & tell Di of course. If you have read the beginning of this leviathan Blog,
you will know that I re-paid Di's hospitality by wilfully smashing all she held dear. I am not normally
a clumsy person, I don't think people hide the china before I visit. It's just something about Di's things.

I asked Di to tx me when she was free to speak.

It was my good fortune that she wasn't, all evening, but said I could text her.

I was sitting, eating diner, with Lovely Col, who was very amused at my discomfort as I texted the
following to Di ...

'How much was your vacuum cleaner ?'

The reply came back, including the price, where it was from & the fact that Which magazine rated it as highly as a
Dyson. She went on to ask ...

'Have you set fire to it, or are you planning on buying one ?'

My reply was that I was planning on buying one. For her. As hers was now a layzee vacuum cleaner, which laid down.

Lovely Col proved not to be so lovely when he suggested my next text to her should be

'How much was your house ?'

Bad Colin.

Di took it extremely well, but has promised dire repercussions if I break the brass ballerina.

Trip to Curry's for me then.

Today was the 1st day that I felt I started to resemble the person who did my job a year ago.

I had my 1st full parade with the team, some of the new probationers look young enough to be my kids.

Some of them are young enough to be my kids.

I have been tired & confused with my words all day.

I was trying to describe a house which had no carpets & told Di it would be 'flare boorboards'.

I have said lots of these in the past. In NZ I once asked for a 'life of sloced bread'.

I may have told you before, but Angie's all time favourite of mine was when I was describing a film to her & told her
the star was 'Tommy Lo-jeans'. Work it out.

I am slowly starting to catch up with friends. I see the coven in the next couple of days, in the form of Weeny tomorrow
& Trudy on Friday. Weeny is allowing me to sit on her cat whilst she goes on holiday (word of warning from Di, hide the vacuum)
So I will be in Molesey for a couple of weeks as of Friday, we are getting together tomorrow to ooh & aah at her new house.

I have arranged a girly catch-up night with Trudes on Friday, after her final drive. Good luck hen, you won't need it.
Can I give you the same advice Mal gave me when driving a large truck off-road ?
'Keep the power on all the time, the steering will come later' Your instructor can't fail to be impressed !

It won't be a late night Friday, Trudes is shooting early Saturday (shotguns : your kinda gal Eric ) & I am early turn.

And tomorrow morning, I meet Cocky at the yard for a spot of neddy-pestering. I am hoping there will be a neddy free,
but if not, as it's short notice, then a brisk walk with her & Snippit, will do me the world of good. If you want to read a fabricated
version of life as a Metropolitan Police officer doing night duty, take a look at this month's Woman magazine. Far right, seated,
say no more.

At some stage, I need to make arrangements to see the potential new flat in Kingston too.

That's the 2 days gone already.

Bill, thanks for the number, I will call in the next couple of days.

Stan, thanks for the visit, did you recognise me, not covered in cack ?

Cx

Schedule

0700 Got up.

0830 Took car to garage.

1430 Collected car from garage, set off to London.

2000 Arrived at work. Some 5 & 1/2 hours late for my shift. No stops.

0000 Left work.

0020 Blogged.

0021 Sleep.

Thanks Mum, it was lovely,

Cx

Duty at any cost ?

It would be fair to say the visit to Granny's didn't go well yesterday.

Mummeh & I arrived upbeat & happy & were both in tears within 10 minutes.

I can't remember the last time I cried because of what someone thought of me.

Granny joined in too, not because she was sad at causing our distress, but more as a one-upmanship ploy.

The text of the visit doesn't bear repeating (on this forum anyway) & I am a little calmer since venting my spleen
in the form of e-mails & telephone calls. It would probably rate as the longest entry I have ever done & 5 minutes
after posting I would feel disloyal. Suffice it to say, it hurts find out you are a disappointment.

It did get me to thinking though & Beemer touched on this aspect of modern life with his recent poser on Forum.

Here's the question.

Should you visit a family member if the visit upsets & distresses you & if they evince no pleasure at having seen you ?

Harri will recognise this as a rhetorical question.

The answer seems to be an obvious 'no'.

But here's the pull. Gran was very active in my childhood life & I haven't forgotten all the things she did to help.
Financially, physically & emotionally, she gave unstintingly. That is the reason I visit now.

I always thought family love was an unconditional given. Yesterday's visit has altered that belief.

Now, in case you're wondering, I'll answer the question that Stan asked me last night.

Is she in possession of her faculties ? The answer is yes. Her physical health is failing but mentally
she remains alert. She knows who people are & has very strong opinions on how things should be.

I was thinking on the drive back about a profile from a Forum member on this Blog. They said that
Alzheimers & cancer were a wicked combination. I was wondering which was harder ; not being
recognised by someone you love, or being recognised & being made to feel an inch high.
I decided it was the latter, but it's not a choice anyone should have to make.

As usual, we used humour to make light of the situation, I promised Mummeh she would be in
'Shady Pines' retirement home double-quick if she ever started to say the following sentence

'I'm sorry I haven't cleaned, but no-one ever visits you see...'

The silver lining, and I am discovering there always is one, with these grim situations, is it gave Mummeh & I
the ideal opportunity for a blisteringly honest conversation regarding family life, obligations & expectations.
The upshot of which was a heartfelt hug & a recognition of the fact that we have something better.
It wasn't American sitcom land with lots of 'I love you Todd' & beating each other on the back but it does
seem like this generation are striving to get away from the non-contact which was acceptable 50 years ago.

I am aware that this may seem like airing the dirty laundry & also that this is critcism of my Mum's parent.
Mum - I'm sorry, I have tried to keep this entry skin-deep & not too near the knuckle.
I have no excuse, it's just that it affected me deeply & I feel better for having recorded it.
I also know that you know from my last entry on my Gran that I love her very much & wish she appreciated it.

On another tack, I took one more step on the road to moving away from painful stimuli yesterday.
Why does being a growed-up involve so many hard decisions ?

Thinking of you NM.

Cx

Monday 3rd May Part II

And for some balance ...

Today we visited Lloyd, Janet & my nephew Luke. That's right, I really am Auntie Cruella.
Not only that but Mummeh is also a Granny & it was lovely to see her reading Thomas the Tank Engine
& enjoying it as much as Luke. It reminded me of when she used to read Winnie the Pooh to me.

The visit was a real tonic. Lloyd & I go for months without seeing each other but you wouldn't know it
from how we are when we get together. When today, I thanked him for something very special he had done
for me, the response was 'You've only ever got to ask'. Very, very touching & what being kin really means.

They are settling into a beautiful house in Riddlesden, West Yorkshire.
Janet is extremely switched on & compliments Lloyd beautifully.

I am delighted to report that they are raising Luke to be a beautifully behaved little boy. They are very firm
with him & his manners & behaviour are incredible for a 2 year old. He really is fun to be around.

We went for a stroll along the canal, I chatted with Janet on the outward journey & with Lloyd homeward.
We then watched a Peter Kay dvd (the garlic bread one from Blackpool Tower, Stan) & enjoyed
some of Janet's home baking.

The visit was a complete joy, I am so proud to think Lloyd is my brother.

Just think, marriage, kids & a happy relationship, & all in the 'right' order. Amazing.

So it can be done.

Mummeh, Barley & I went for a long walk in the early evening sun & after a very tasty dinner we relaxed watching
'Finding Nemo'. I know I am aeons behind the rest of the world in only just having seen this but what a
wonderful movie. I smiled all the way through, it was quite the best animation I have ever seen.

Retiring for an early night now (2150). I want to carry on with 'Tuesdays with Morrie' & I must be up early
to take the car to the garage tfirst thing to have the brakes checked. They are binding & I don't think a 250 mile
journey with the brakes stuck on, will do the discs much good.

Thank you for the lovely e-mails regarding grandparents.

Cx

Silence is golden - but it's hard when you're busting with stuff to say ...

Poor Mummeh, she heard me say to Stan on the phone yesterday that I like to write in silence & has been biting
her lip whilst I have been typing.

She knows that I read several other blogs daily, before commencing my own.

The silence is punctuated with ...

'Are you reading now, or writing ?'

She has gone outside to trim the edges on her lawn now. Barley wanted to help, but oddly, Mummeh did not
seem to need her ? Barley currently sits at my feet, lead clenched firmly in her teeth, lest I should forget
that it's 'that time.'

Yesterday was a very relaxed day, we walked Barley a couple of times & went & did some food shopping.

Hx, I didn't have a single emotional crisis at the supermarket. Proud of me ?

Mummeh was very tired & her patience was at it's lowest ebb by the time we had finished.
When the very slow assistant asked '' ...'ow do you want that cashback luv ?"
I was very impressed that she refrained from saying 'Quickly.'

For the 1st time since I moved from Yorkshire down South, some 17 years ago, I yearn to be back.
The main reason is the space. Plus that & the fact that (duck if you want to miss the incoming sweeping
generalisation) Northerners are more like Kiwis. People say hello to you up here & not because they want your
guard down prior to stealing your bag.

It's the space more than anything though. 5 minutes away from Mummeh's house & we were up in the hills regarding
the new born blah-lambs. Very therapeutic. I noticed in the South that you can't help but impinge upon each other's lives
whether you want to or not. Walking to the BR station, you are within 10' of someone's front room. It's obscene.

Chicken Licken

The sky is caving in on my head. It's not, of course, it just feels that way. For the last 3 days, the sky has been a dead grey
pallor. I find this most distressing. I am used to a sky which is either bright blue or dispensing rain. I hate this in between
stuff. It's heavy, leaden, depressing. It's sunny today, just to make me a liar.

The other thing is the light. NZ looks clear & sharp like a good photo. Without knowing the 1st thing about cinematography,
I understand why they make films there. It's very sharp. England appears to me to be a watercolour which has had
a layer of tracing paper dropped over it. Even today, it's soft-focus.

I wonder when I'll stop noticing things like this ?

Today we are going to see Granny, all together now ... 'Shove it up your...'

I know exactly what to expect. It will be as if I have not been away for a year. Much as I love her, I can almost
guarantee there will be no questions about where I have been or what I have been doing. I will be once again, that child
of 10, listening whilst she lists her ailments.

If this sounds churlish, it's not meant to. I find it tremendously sad that my once vibrant Gran, who took such an
active role in our lives as children now appears to have little or no interest in anything which occurs outside her
four walls. Is anything as sad as seeing someone you love change into an elderly, pain-racked person ?

Is that why I don't visit as much as I should ? Perhaps.

The book I am reading at the moment, 'Tuesdays with Morrie' goes some way to explaining why we can feel uncomfortable,
guilty even about being in the presence of the elderly & infirm. It's been a bit of an eye-opener & I'm trying to read it slowly.

At least with Mummeh & I both there, we can share the load of the visit. Emotionally it's draining.

Tomorrow we plan to spend the day with my brother Lloyd & his family, wife Janet & son Luke.
I can't remember the last time I saw Lloyd on his birthday & am looking forward to it.

The Archers omnibus is on at the moment & I'm not even listening to it, which is odd given that I harped on about it
fora year. I find I am a bit like that with lots of the things I thought I missed. It's the same with Radio 4.
I find I only listen to little bits at the moment. The fact that 'terrorism' seems to be every second word makes it
very depressing listening, but it's not just that.

I used to pride myself on being up to date with current affairs & having a decent grasp of world events.
Since returning,I haven't watched the national news or bought a newspaper. It feels like I am subject to
a barrage of information & I can only soak up little bits at a time.

It was the same at work on Friday. I am supposed to monitor 5 terminals as well as the radio.
It was very tiring & I suspect it will take some weeks before I resemble the competent, calm person I was
a year ago. On more than one occasion I wanted to ask everyone to 'just be quiet for 1 minute please'.
I sound like Michelle with the girls.

We selected 'Vanilla Sky' from Mummeh's exhaustive Criuse collection last night.

I enjoyed it, but found it quite disturbing. My eyelids lost the battle with gravity at 2330 & I pottered off to bed.
I was asleep instantly. I am still waking very early in the morning, but staying in bed (as long as I'm resting, eh Bloo ?).
This morning I had the pleasure of listening to another Alan Bennett audio tape 'The laying of hands'.
I love how he writes, excellent observational skills & this one was surprisingly racy for him.
He even says the f*** word, which is like hearing your Gran swear. Well, not mine obviously, but yours.

Enough for now, things to do, e-mails to send.

Happy Birthday for tomorrow Bill.


Cx

'Sometimes I look up high & I think there might, just be a better life,
Away from all we know, that's where I wanna go, out on the wild side
And I wish I was a wild west hero'

Mock if you will, but those lyrics, in that song by ELO, encapsulate everything about what I want from life.

Difficult when you have caught the train at Surbiton, but at least know I have a game plan & I know what I want to do
when I am a growed-up.

Now here's a test of willpower.

Fast car, motorway & cd loader stacked with Prince, trance, ELO, & Puccini.

I know cd's in cars are commonplace now, but they are still a novelty for me & I struggle to think of a finer combination
of sensory pleasures than good, loud music & driving a responsive car.

I used to listen to cd's on the motorbike, but stoppped because life's too short & I feared I would kill myself
when I listened in particular, to The Prodigy. I also thought it was probably sensible to be able to hear the
blaring horns of car drivers & screams of terrified pedestrians.

I succumbed only once or twice & arrived in Yorkshire at 0030, some 4 & a half hours after setting off.

If I'm honest, I was too tired to drive, but didn't fancy explaining to Mummeh, that after a year away,
I would now be arriving a day later than planned.

My hug at the doorway was the confirmation, if any was required, that driving tired was worth while.
But don't do it yourselves, kids.

Thanks to Stuart, I have the use of a Nissan 200SX for the visit to Yorkshire & jolly nice it is too.
I love the way it looks, it harks back to the days when cars were distinguishable from each other &
looks like a pumped bicep (to my sex-crazed eyes anyway)

I listened to the Dido 'Touch my Hand' track for the 1st time since arriving in the UK. I had been concerned that the memories
that go with this track might not be lodged firmly in the hard drive. I need not have worried. A couple of bars in & I
was duplicating the Cape Reinga drive. The 3.17 secs drums kick, came in at 3.18 on Stu's cd but it's there nevertheless.

I know most people sing when they're driving but do you dance too ? I do.
Very small movements admittedly but how can you not dance to Prince?

Special request, please Stan, when you (assumption on my part here) start to think about doing the music for Old Boys,
could you please, please, please include the following Prince tracks ?

Little Red Corvette aka Big Green Nissan
U got the look
I would die 4 u

& my ultimate axe-solo special

Let's go crazy.

This would of course, blow my chances of appearing in the slightest normal to the Dukies, but at least they'll have
something at which to point & laugh.

I have just noticed that the date has been wrong on Blog for the past few days, I know I didn't write yesterday
but there's an entry there anyway, must try & rectify.

I have also noticed that this entry darts around like a hummingbird on acid, I will try & put it in some kind of order.

Must go now, Barley is fed up & mumbling to herself that she wants a walk & I ought to go commune with water.

Cx