Silence is golden - but it's hard when you're busting with stuff to say ...

Poor Mummeh, she heard me say to Stan on the phone yesterday that I like to write in silence & has been biting
her lip whilst I have been typing.

She knows that I read several other blogs daily, before commencing my own.

The silence is punctuated with ...

'Are you reading now, or writing ?'

She has gone outside to trim the edges on her lawn now. Barley wanted to help, but oddly, Mummeh did not
seem to need her ? Barley currently sits at my feet, lead clenched firmly in her teeth, lest I should forget
that it's 'that time.'

Yesterday was a very relaxed day, we walked Barley a couple of times & went & did some food shopping.

Hx, I didn't have a single emotional crisis at the supermarket. Proud of me ?

Mummeh was very tired & her patience was at it's lowest ebb by the time we had finished.
When the very slow assistant asked '' ...'ow do you want that cashback luv ?"
I was very impressed that she refrained from saying 'Quickly.'

For the 1st time since I moved from Yorkshire down South, some 17 years ago, I yearn to be back.
The main reason is the space. Plus that & the fact that (duck if you want to miss the incoming sweeping
generalisation) Northerners are more like Kiwis. People say hello to you up here & not because they want your
guard down prior to stealing your bag.

It's the space more than anything though. 5 minutes away from Mummeh's house & we were up in the hills regarding
the new born blah-lambs. Very therapeutic. I noticed in the South that you can't help but impinge upon each other's lives
whether you want to or not. Walking to the BR station, you are within 10' of someone's front room. It's obscene.

Chicken Licken

The sky is caving in on my head. It's not, of course, it just feels that way. For the last 3 days, the sky has been a dead grey
pallor. I find this most distressing. I am used to a sky which is either bright blue or dispensing rain. I hate this in between
stuff. It's heavy, leaden, depressing. It's sunny today, just to make me a liar.

The other thing is the light. NZ looks clear & sharp like a good photo. Without knowing the 1st thing about cinematography,
I understand why they make films there. It's very sharp. England appears to me to be a watercolour which has had
a layer of tracing paper dropped over it. Even today, it's soft-focus.

I wonder when I'll stop noticing things like this ?

Today we are going to see Granny, all together now ... 'Shove it up your...'

I know exactly what to expect. It will be as if I have not been away for a year. Much as I love her, I can almost
guarantee there will be no questions about where I have been or what I have been doing. I will be once again, that child
of 10, listening whilst she lists her ailments.

If this sounds churlish, it's not meant to. I find it tremendously sad that my once vibrant Gran, who took such an
active role in our lives as children now appears to have little or no interest in anything which occurs outside her
four walls. Is anything as sad as seeing someone you love change into an elderly, pain-racked person ?

Is that why I don't visit as much as I should ? Perhaps.

The book I am reading at the moment, 'Tuesdays with Morrie' goes some way to explaining why we can feel uncomfortable,
guilty even about being in the presence of the elderly & infirm. It's been a bit of an eye-opener & I'm trying to read it slowly.

At least with Mummeh & I both there, we can share the load of the visit. Emotionally it's draining.

Tomorrow we plan to spend the day with my brother Lloyd & his family, wife Janet & son Luke.
I can't remember the last time I saw Lloyd on his birthday & am looking forward to it.

The Archers omnibus is on at the moment & I'm not even listening to it, which is odd given that I harped on about it
fora year. I find I am a bit like that with lots of the things I thought I missed. It's the same with Radio 4.
I find I only listen to little bits at the moment. The fact that 'terrorism' seems to be every second word makes it
very depressing listening, but it's not just that.

I used to pride myself on being up to date with current affairs & having a decent grasp of world events.
Since returning,I haven't watched the national news or bought a newspaper. It feels like I am subject to
a barrage of information & I can only soak up little bits at a time.

It was the same at work on Friday. I am supposed to monitor 5 terminals as well as the radio.
It was very tiring & I suspect it will take some weeks before I resemble the competent, calm person I was
a year ago. On more than one occasion I wanted to ask everyone to 'just be quiet for 1 minute please'.
I sound like Michelle with the girls.

We selected 'Vanilla Sky' from Mummeh's exhaustive Criuse collection last night.

I enjoyed it, but found it quite disturbing. My eyelids lost the battle with gravity at 2330 & I pottered off to bed.
I was asleep instantly. I am still waking very early in the morning, but staying in bed (as long as I'm resting, eh Bloo ?).
This morning I had the pleasure of listening to another Alan Bennett audio tape 'The laying of hands'.
I love how he writes, excellent observational skills & this one was surprisingly racy for him.
He even says the f*** word, which is like hearing your Gran swear. Well, not mine obviously, but yours.

Enough for now, things to do, e-mails to send.

Happy Birthday for tomorrow Bill.


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