Duty at any cost ?

It would be fair to say the visit to Granny's didn't go well yesterday.

Mummeh & I arrived upbeat & happy & were both in tears within 10 minutes.

I can't remember the last time I cried because of what someone thought of me.

Granny joined in too, not because she was sad at causing our distress, but more as a one-upmanship ploy.

The text of the visit doesn't bear repeating (on this forum anyway) & I am a little calmer since venting my spleen
in the form of e-mails & telephone calls. It would probably rate as the longest entry I have ever done & 5 minutes
after posting I would feel disloyal. Suffice it to say, it hurts find out you are a disappointment.

It did get me to thinking though & Beemer touched on this aspect of modern life with his recent poser on Forum.

Here's the question.

Should you visit a family member if the visit upsets & distresses you & if they evince no pleasure at having seen you ?

Harri will recognise this as a rhetorical question.

The answer seems to be an obvious 'no'.

But here's the pull. Gran was very active in my childhood life & I haven't forgotten all the things she did to help.
Financially, physically & emotionally, she gave unstintingly. That is the reason I visit now.

I always thought family love was an unconditional given. Yesterday's visit has altered that belief.

Now, in case you're wondering, I'll answer the question that Stan asked me last night.

Is she in possession of her faculties ? The answer is yes. Her physical health is failing but mentally
she remains alert. She knows who people are & has very strong opinions on how things should be.

I was thinking on the drive back about a profile from a Forum member on this Blog. They said that
Alzheimers & cancer were a wicked combination. I was wondering which was harder ; not being
recognised by someone you love, or being recognised & being made to feel an inch high.
I decided it was the latter, but it's not a choice anyone should have to make.

As usual, we used humour to make light of the situation, I promised Mummeh she would be in
'Shady Pines' retirement home double-quick if she ever started to say the following sentence

'I'm sorry I haven't cleaned, but no-one ever visits you see...'

The silver lining, and I am discovering there always is one, with these grim situations, is it gave Mummeh & I
the ideal opportunity for a blisteringly honest conversation regarding family life, obligations & expectations.
The upshot of which was a heartfelt hug & a recognition of the fact that we have something better.
It wasn't American sitcom land with lots of 'I love you Todd' & beating each other on the back but it does
seem like this generation are striving to get away from the non-contact which was acceptable 50 years ago.

I am aware that this may seem like airing the dirty laundry & also that this is critcism of my Mum's parent.
Mum - I'm sorry, I have tried to keep this entry skin-deep & not too near the knuckle.
I have no excuse, it's just that it affected me deeply & I feel better for having recorded it.
I also know that you know from my last entry on my Gran that I love her very much & wish she appreciated it.

On another tack, I took one more step on the road to moving away from painful stimuli yesterday.
Why does being a growed-up involve so many hard decisions ?

Thinking of you NM.

Cx

Monday 3rd May Part II

And for some balance ...

Today we visited Lloyd, Janet & my nephew Luke. That's right, I really am Auntie Cruella.
Not only that but Mummeh is also a Granny & it was lovely to see her reading Thomas the Tank Engine
& enjoying it as much as Luke. It reminded me of when she used to read Winnie the Pooh to me.

The visit was a real tonic. Lloyd & I go for months without seeing each other but you wouldn't know it
from how we are when we get together. When today, I thanked him for something very special he had done
for me, the response was 'You've only ever got to ask'. Very, very touching & what being kin really means.

They are settling into a beautiful house in Riddlesden, West Yorkshire.
Janet is extremely switched on & compliments Lloyd beautifully.

I am delighted to report that they are raising Luke to be a beautifully behaved little boy. They are very firm
with him & his manners & behaviour are incredible for a 2 year old. He really is fun to be around.

We went for a stroll along the canal, I chatted with Janet on the outward journey & with Lloyd homeward.
We then watched a Peter Kay dvd (the garlic bread one from Blackpool Tower, Stan) & enjoyed
some of Janet's home baking.

The visit was a complete joy, I am so proud to think Lloyd is my brother.

Just think, marriage, kids & a happy relationship, & all in the 'right' order. Amazing.

So it can be done.

Mummeh, Barley & I went for a long walk in the early evening sun & after a very tasty dinner we relaxed watching
'Finding Nemo'. I know I am aeons behind the rest of the world in only just having seen this but what a
wonderful movie. I smiled all the way through, it was quite the best animation I have ever seen.

Retiring for an early night now (2150). I want to carry on with 'Tuesdays with Morrie' & I must be up early
to take the car to the garage tfirst thing to have the brakes checked. They are binding & I don't think a 250 mile
journey with the brakes stuck on, will do the discs much good.

Thank you for the lovely e-mails regarding grandparents.

Cx