Snakes & Ladders : 2 years on


Location : Bedroom
Time : Commenced at 1905, completed at 2153
Listening to : Kisstory ; Rewind to the 90’s
Accompanied by : A beautifully clean, recently bathed Barley.

I’ve just re-read this prior to posting, it’s been hard being this honest, I almost didn’t publish.

The heating has just kicked in. I have a large mug of tea. Sharon has headed off for a swim having worked from home all day, so I have the flat to myself. I have a keyboard, time on my hands and as I know I’m not early turn tomorrow, I’m not tired. I have the urge to write & that tremendous sense of well-being which follows a hot bath after outdoorsy stuff.

My sloth this morning was unfairly rewarded by a break in the torrential rain at the same time as I left to set off for some much anticipated neddy-pestering in the fresh, clean Surrey countryside.

After a big cuddle with CB we set out for the Mickleham long ride.
CB is restricted to walking at the moment (navicular for the horsey types) and I can’t say I minded. I had a very nasty scare a few weeks ago involving galloping and a busy main road & my confidence was a little shaken. It would appear I’m not, as I had previously thought, immortal. A long, calm ride at the walk was just what the doctor ordered and I enjoyed CB’s company hugely today.

One of the things I relish most about riding is the opportunity the peace & quiet affords me to marshal my thoughts. I frequently ride on my own and don’t consider myself alone with Barley & a neddy. I would even admit to you lot that I frequently avoid other riders just about to leave the yard. With the exception of a couple of companions, I prefer my solitude. My work environment is one of constant noise & I don’t have the luxury of being able to tune out the ickle voices in my left ear.

When I worked at Kennington nick which was much busier than Kingston, I would go find a quiet place to sit for my break away from the Control Room. Invariably, just as I had settled into my noise-free sanctuary some PC would join me with their radio blaring. I can remember asking them to turn their p/r’s off if they wanted to sit with me because even if they could ignore them I couldn’t.

I’ve thought about it & I think it’s why I’m so anti-tv & anti-phone, it’s the ceaseless babble from both of them which irks me so much. It would explain why I’m happy to communicate via MSN & text, I guard my peace very jealously.

I’ve been aware for some weeks now of the significance of the 22 April : this being the date which indicates a whole year back since returning from NZ. My thoughts lately have been a bit of a happy jumble with a nudge from NZ every now & then. I’ve chased the NZ thoughts away each time thinking ‘I’ll think about that on the 22nd’. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not that I don’t want to think about NZ, it’s just I’ve been avoiding introspection, knowing that I needed some uninterrupted time to get some perspective.

So where am I up to with plans for returning ?

My first move was to join an equine college with a view to studying equine physiotherapy. How have I done ? Rubbishly. I could give you excuses but I respect you too much (although that ingrown toenail is really sore). The truth is, I haven’t done it. Bad Briggsy.

On the upside, I had 3 loans to pay off. By saving & increasing the payments, I was hoping for a time-scale of 3 years to pay them off and return. The thinking behind this is that the loans will take 3 times longer to pay off in NZ thanks to the weak Kiwi dollar and I wanted to have a clean financial slate before considering emigration.

Some weeks ago I paid off the first of those loans, which puts me on schedule for paying off the remaining 2 in the next 2 years. Receiving the letter saying I had paid off the loan was immensely satisfying. Saving towards paying off the next 2 is the only thing stopping me buying a Fireblade, more of which later.

The rest is stuff for a later day. The application itself is judged on a points basis. Earn enough points, get invited in. I’m not stressing the application at this stage, what’s the point in fretting for 2 years ? As I’m trusting more and more these days ; if it’s meant to be it’ll happen. Not only tremendously soothing but a wonderful mantra for us lazies everywhere. Laissez-faire ? Bring it on.

As for life in the UK these days ? I consider myself to be in a very similar position to Bloo. We’ve both had a glimpse of the type of life we want and have plans to help us achieve it but are quite happy to live the life we have until then. And when the chavs become too much ? His salvation is football, mine is neddies. Is this pretty accurate Bloo ? I guess I’ll hear about it if not ? ?

As for me personally ? I’ve re-read 2 previous entries from Q4A this evening to help me remember how I was. The first was explaining who I was & why I was leaving for NZ. I covered up a lot of my unhappiness with humour but the fact was I was a mess. My self-esteem was at an all time low. I had allowed someone whose intellect I admired to let me feel worthless. I realise now that the fact that I was willing to leave mum and all my friends to escape the situation was the best indicator of how painful being in England was.

The second entry I read was my 1st day back at work in the UK after my year away. Raw wasn’t I ? I didn’t think I’d ever settle here again. I haven’t in some ways, my heart belongs to NZ but there are things about my life here that I enjoy very much.

I am lucky in having a great circle of friends. They’re a weird bunch sure enough but great nevertheless. Some of them I’ve known 15 years, that’s the longest I’ve known anyone (barring family). Others I’ve only known a year but know we’ll stay friends. I feel very settled in Kingston, I wouldn’t have ever chosen town life but if you have to live in town, Kingston’s as good as it gets. The river is 150 metres away from my flat. I’m learning to love the Thames. The flat is lovely and you couldn’t get a more amenable flat mate than Sharon (especially now the tap’s been replaced & she can’t leave it dripping. Just need to get her to close the bin lid now ?)

I have access to stunning countryside, endless bridleways and neddies the quality of which I could never afford. My shifts allow me to appreciate my riding at times of the day when no-one else is around. My golf is going well, I have numerous society days coming up this summer and I plan to take lessons with the same pro who allowed Andy to convincingly beat his dad after lesson number 2 of 10. It’s fair to say Andy’s dad didn’t take it well ?

I have a reasonably well-paid job which I enjoy. It has it’s fair share of dodgy politics but doesn’t everyone’s ? It’s interesting, stimulating, exciting & rewarding and I work for a top Guv’nor. (sorry, I mean Inspector of course VGC) Even the constant change doesn’t bother me anymore, I’ve learned to pick my battles & let the majority of it wash over me. I can be the proverbial jellyfish washed this way & that with the tide, it doesn’t make me lazy or spineless just better prepared for the battles which matter.

The only thing causing me any upset at the moment is speed, or the lack of it to be accurate. I physically miss my Blade and the sudden influx of sports bikes on the road because of the good weather is a painful reminder of what I used to have. I’m at risk of causing an accident so transfixed am I when I see the rapidly approaching headlight in my rear view mirror. This is only my second summer since 1995 without a bike & the fact that without a garage no insurance company would touch a Blade does little to ease the ache. My plan is to hire a Blade of a couple of days to get it out of my system. Honest Weeny.

I’ve re-examined the things which were causing me upset at Christmas & realise that I’ve either dealt with them or allowed them not to matter any more. I’ve allowed 2 contacts to slip as they were causing me heartache and were one-sided. If someone never asks ‘How are you ?’ have a think about it.

I don’t think he’ll mind me telling you that I was a ‘bit waaah’ when Stuart first told me his girlfriend Kerry was pregnant. Eminently sensible friends (Angie) pointed out that even if you don’t plan on children, it’s still unnerving when an ex announces they are going to have them. To refer to Stuart as just an ex is a bit harsh, he’s more than that. Anyone who can put up with me for 5 years has to be special. When anyone who doesn’t know him asks, I describe him as ‘the man you’d encourage your best friend to date’. He’s kind, honest, decent & a bloody good copper who’ll end up as a Commander. We had a few boundary-exploring ups & downs when we first separated 5 years ago, but I’m proud to report that we remained true to our promise to stay friends.

He & Kerry dropped off Barley on Sunday and both talked enthusiastically about their impending arrival. She is due in 2 months time & has a very neat & tidy bump & no excess weight anywhere else. This means they are having a boy. (I know this because I am now a hexpert on other people’s pregnancies & baybees) Kerry has opted for a birthing pool & a home birth. Knowing Barley’s love of water I warned Kerry that Barley wouldn’t be able to stay out of the pool. Looking at her fondly, Kerry just laughed & said she was fully expecting Barley to join her. As I looked at the pair of them I felt a real sense of happiness for Stuart, he’ll be a terrific dad and well done him for picking someone who likes spaniels ! And well done me for being a growed-up.

I could witter on & on about what’s changed but I won’t for two reasons. Firstly, Hx won’t even have got this far as there are no pictures and secondly it’s summed up as easily as this …The reason I went to NZ is no more.

How can I be sure ? Because, get this Bloo, I can listen to all of White Ladder now, even ‘This Year’s Love’. Quod erat demonstrandum.

Cx