Rat

Arrogant, self-centered, fatalistic, philosophical and quick-tempered, Rat is obsessed with fame, immortality and making a quick buck. Spends his time with Pig because it makes him feel superior and, more importantly, no one else will hang out with him.



Pig

Humble (in fact, painfully aware of his limitations), practical, kind and a little slow in the head, Pig has few aspirations in life, other than to spend his days watching TV and doing almost nothing productive. Apparently sees something redeeming in Rat, as he is willing to endure Rat's endless barbs and numerous schemes. Kicked out of the Society of Cultured Pigs because he was caught eating a BLT.



Zebra

Just trying to stay alive. In a world filled with lions, tigers and crocodiles, this is not an easy task.



Goat

The smart one. Would rather spend his time with his snout in a book than talking to any of the other odd characters in this strip.



The Fraternity of Crocodiles

Proud members of Zeeba Zeeba Eata, a fraternity dedicated to the destruction of Zebra and other prey, the crocodiles are Zebra’s next-door neighbors. Stupid, slow and barely articulate, these particular crocodiles are a disgrace to their species.

I've thought of one Michelle ....

First of all as he's a bull & everything gets eaten at Cedar Lodge I wanted Eddy. Eddy-bull - geddit ? No - alright, how about Nelson in honour of our nation's finest naval strategist & to remind me of a place I spent a very enjoyable visit.

Please ?

Cx

BBQs, hedgehogs, War of the Worlds, Blenheim, cycling, neddies, golf and discipline.

Location : Bedroom
Listening : Radio 4
Time started : 2027
Time completed : 2251

I’ll start with the best news I’ve heard in 6 months.

Yesterday the piece of human detritus who performed unlicensed plastic surgery on Milk Yuk was sentenced to 6 years. The DS in the case was disappointed, he was expecting 8 ; but in the same week as a man who chopped up his wife & hid her in the freezer got 2 years, I can’t help but be pleased. Milk Yuk & Alex seem satisfied too & neither had to face cross-examination which has to be good news.

* Stop press – no appeal, no time off for good behaviour, it’s the full 6 years *

The oxygen-sapping, low-life scum has already served 6 months on remand, lets hope wherever he is, he’s having his rectum enlarged daily by a large, dry, blunt object. If he decides he can’t cope with his stripy sunrises & hangs himself, so much the better.

Any…way

I love where I live, it’s a comfortable, airy flat brimming with plants and candles & just lately I’ve been treating it like a hotel & not spending much time here due to work.

Which is why tonight, I’ve really enjoyed pottering here.

After a revitalising 40 winks I’ve done some washing, caught up on some paperwork, replaced my reading material in the small room (different copies of Horse & Hound) had a bath & finally put my golf gear in the wash (bit shameful really as I played Tuesday, more of that later)

It’s now catch-up time on blog before I completely forget everything that’s happened.

First & foremost – congratulations Michelle on an excellent Taotaoroa Tattler entry concerning Eric’s nocturnal activities – don’t you love it when a story explains so accurately the events unfolding that you can imagine it in your mind’s eye ? Michelle – your description of Eric’s ‘Don’t tell me you didn’t hear THAT ?’ expression had me giggling to myself. The only thing you didn’t do properly was to hold the torch steady for him. Remember my wildly oscillating beam when he asked me to help him kill small things ?

‘But Eric – it’s a mummy & it has a baybeeeee’

‘Don’t worry, I’ll shoot the baby as well’

Last time we talked I had just finished nights and was relishing the thought of a sociable few days off.

BBQ’s & hedgehogs.

On Fri 15th it was a bbq at Weeny’s. Weeny has a new addition to the family in the form of Steve. Steve is ginger & white, about 4 months old & is a bit mental. Steve was bought to keep Cato (‘not now Catoooooh’) company as Cato was bullying Murphy (Murf the smurf) With me so far ? Steve & Cato spent the evening gallivanting, leaping, attacking the washing on the line & generally behaving in fine feline fashion. Any attempt to cuddle, pick up or interact with said moggies was met with scorn. Murphy only appeared briefly to dribble over some catnip.

Weeny produced from scratch, the most delicious seafood linguine, packed with prawns, langoustines, mussels, monkfish, tomatoes & garlic. It was gorgeous.

To understand how lovely it was I need to tell you (with apologies to Weeny) a little story. Many years ago Weeny invited me for dinner and served some turkey steaks. Erring on the side of caution & not wishing to serve rare poultry Weeny grilled said steaks for 20 minutes.
No problem there, you may think … but each side ? The offending ‘carpet burgers’ as they were subsequently dubbed have caused (me) much mirth over the years.

These days Weeny is by her own confession a ‘foodie’ spending the equivalent of the GNP of Ecuador on glossy food mags & very good quality food. Mr Weeny is the recipient of beautiful home cooked meals every evening …’Not that he notices’ Weeny cheerfully admits.

Weeny, here & now, in pubic, I promise never ever to refer to said turkey burgers again (unless drunk)

We spent a very pleasant evening, under the stars, in the garden, getting tiddly and watching Steve stalking the hedgehog who was scavenging the fallen langoustine shells. Steve was very amusing, following the ‘hog at close quarters & occasionally looking to the people as much for emotional back-up as anything else. His expression seemed to say ‘Look, look, can you believe it ? Can’t you see this thing in my garden ? Are you just going to sit there ?’

We retired indoors when the candles no longer illuminated our faces & took our cue to leave when Mr Weeny fell asleep on the sofa.

Weeny, who is currently bored in her job, has an interview tomorrow to become a SOCO (Scenes of Crime Officer – you know the ones you see on tv brushing dust on crime scenes ?)

Very best of British Weeny – you’ll do just fine.

War of the Worlds.

On the Saturday, it was garden centres to find some shrubs to brighten the paved yard at the foot of the flat. After a lunch large enough to choke a horse Milk Yuk & I went to see War of the Worlds – ¾’s of which was excellent. So shortly after the bombings I found the graphic scenes of destruction uncomfortably realistic. I felt a bit wobbly if I’m honest. As someone who’s finding Tom Cruise (sorry Mummeh) more & more embarrassing in real life I am pleased to report he played the lead to perfection. I found his portrayal of a dad who struggles to get things right with his kids painful to watch.

I won’t spoil things for you if you haven’t seen the movie but the last 10 minutes are so slow as to be moribund & the ending isn’t the twist I was promised in a review I read.

The next film I want to see is ‘The Descent’ which is promised to be a ‘fright a minute’. Don’t think I’ll be taking Cocky after she left bruises on my upper arm after ‘What Lies Beneath’.

Blenheim.

Sunday was supposed to be a very early start to get to Blenheim early enough to look around the palace, prior to the Game Fair. The early start didn’t quite materialise but we still got there in time to see a Shetland Grand National, a motorcycle display team, gundog training and … butterflies (well I’ve never been in a butterfly house before)

Cycling.

On Monday Milk Yuk & I cycled from Windsor to Kingston along the Thames tow-path, replicating a journey which I was first shown by Roger. We were lucky with the weather, not too hot & the only rain shower of the day caught us just as we reached the pub for dinner. It was a flat 25 miles and the only downside of a fantastic day was that when I cycled anywhere for the next 2 days, I thought I’d fractured my ar5e.

After the driving range on Tuesday & riding on Wednesday, it was back to work from Thursday 21st to Sunday 24th which were 4 horrendously busy late turns which consisted of suspect object after suspect vehicle. I don’t have any qualms about the pubic ringing these through, after all, that’s what we’ve asked them to do. I do have a problem with the numpties who ring in with the sort of stuff you wouldn’t believe.

I caught this conversation between one of my colleagues Carl, a particularly straight-talking individual & one of the previously mentioned numpties.

Numpty - ‘Someone has put litter on my hedge, I want the police to come & remove it’

Carl – ‘Have you been watching the news recently ?’

The main problem is that the Kingston public (& every other borough I’m sure) see no correlation between the bombings & their local police. What they need to be told (in the local paper perhaps ?) is that on a daily basis, 50% of our resources go up town to do high vis patrols (yellow jackets) & stand on the crime scenes where exhibits are still being removed. My team have been working 13 hour days for the last 2 weeks, so far I haven’t but that’s another story. Here endeth the lecture.

Neddies.

On Monday I met up with Cocky for some neddy-pestering. Both our mounts were playing up & we greeted each other with the words ‘Mine’s being a bugger’ Her steed Snippet had done laps of the field that Cocky had tried to coax him from and Hannah the neddy I was riding was, as she seems almost permanently to be ‘in season’.

As we passed a paddock full of geldings Hannah called coquettishly to them, instigating a running, kicking battle amongst the boys so that they could hang, lust-crazed over the fence, vying for her affections.

Hannah refused point-blank to walk away from her admirers, my flailing legs only causing her to spin in small, hormone-fuelled, squealing circles. If you know about neddies you’ll know the phrase ‘winking & squirting’ if you don’t I’m not going into explanations.

Cocky & I did the Givons Grove ride & spent a hugely enjoyable 2 hours catching up on our news. She had just hosted a party for 100 at hers for Garth’s 40th birthday. My friends are starting to celebrate their fortieth’s – how the hell did that happen ?

Cocky provided me with quote of the week when she advised me she was thinking about cutting down the number of breast feeds she was doing for her 5 month old girl twins. It’s not the same for you because you don’t hear her lovely, lilting Irish drawl but I practically fell of the horse laughing when in response to my question ‘But I thought your milk was drying up anyway ?’ she replied ‘Carol – I could feed Epsom at the moment’.

Cow’s ar5e & banjo.

On Tuesday I played in a society day at Pyrford golf club. The course was challenging and looked very sad & dry. The morning started in a leisurely fashion with a 9-hole Texas Scramble after tea & bacon rolls.

I was playing in a four with Ricky, Mike & Ben.

Ricky is one of my work colleagues who I have tremendous respect for. He lost a leg a couple of years ago to a blood clot & now wears a false leg from mid-thigh. To watch Ricky balance all his weight on one leg whilst swinging & driving his shots of the tee is an inspiration. His cheerful, matter of fact approach to his uniped status has won him many friends.

Mike is a long-in-the-tooth DCI, hugely laconic & a self-confessed miserable git. Luckily I have played with him before & pay no heed to his abuse such as ‘You played that with absolutely no effort at all’ as he bawled after a particularly pathetic attempt of mine at a tee shot.

Ben is Mike’s son and is a very talented, if slightly inconsistent player. He spent most of the morning retrieving my wayward shots, it was like playing golf with Barley.

The morning was best forgotten about, I couldn’t hit a cow’s ar5e with a banjo & it was nothing to do with me that we parred every hole & came 2nd overall.

After a very enjoyable Ploughman’s lunch I went out refreshed & played the best 18 holes I’ve ever played, resulting in my being awarded best lady golfer & talk of my handicap being cut for the 1st time. In truth, there were only 2 of us, but I did beat the other lady by 10 points & more importantly beat a sergeant I particularly dislike by 11 points.

My high points were parring 2 holes, a 4 & a 5. I’ve only ever parred one hole before & such was my excitement on the 4 that I waved my putter aloft, yelling ‘Get in there, Briggsy’ & spontaneously leapt on & hugged a terrified looking Mike who was holding the flag in one hand & his putter in the other. He asked for a bit more notice next time. It was the most enjoyable day’s golf I’ve ever played & I will be texting Andy in Cyprus to bore him. I have already bored Stuart.

The evening passed in a blur of eating, speeches & prize giving, only spoiled by Ricky leaving early as his leg was hurting him. I can’t wait to tackle my next day at the stunningly gorgeous Richmond golf course on Thursday 4th August. No doubt my flush of success will have faded by then & I’ll be back to my usual game.

Discipline

I won’t bore you with the details but for political inter-departmental reasons I’ve been threatened with discipline this week. The crux of the matter was that a job I did recently had hacked off a senior member of my management. They wanted me to apologise (for what I’m still not entirely sure) or ‘face discpline’

Luckily for me I’m in the fortunate position to have some experienced & sensible friends in the Met. I can always call on them in times of trouble & they’re my stalwarts. Amongst them are S, T & R. All 3 advised that the ‘discipline’ was a shallow, ill-researched bluff, but I won’t lie & say I haven’t been upset & very stressed for the last 4 days.

It almost beggars belief that you can receive a quality of service report for doing long hours in demanding conditions & then face discipline for doing the self-same job doesn’t it ? Still – there’s no accounting for the fact that everywhere you go you’ll find a blustering bully of a manager is there ?

S – in particular, gave me some very sound advice & puppy-walked me through a couple of very difficult days. He advised me to do something I really didn’t want to do, not because I didn’t trust him but because I was terrified of facing the person he recommended. It is to his credit that he didn’t lose his rag when after explaining EXACTLY why I must do as he suggested I bleated ‘Would it be very bad if I didn’t do that because I’m scared ?’ He also made the point that I could & would win the battle but I needed to allow the manager room to be able to back down graciously otherwise I might win & still need to either jobhunt or permanently check my back for knives. T advised me on how to kill someone slowly.

A thank you too to Milk Yuk for patiently listening as I buttonholed him daily with the minutiae of the very boring (I’m sure) updates. It means much to know someone’s unconditionally on your side, doesn’t it ?

Stan

I’m working a couple of rest days at the yard Big Guy. Are you around either Sat 30th 1430 – 2230 or Wed 10th 12.30 – 2030. Would be god to catch up with a froffee ?

Tomorrow it’s a visit to the lovely Angie’s for dinner, moggy-hugging & a long catch-up. Angie, Cocky has asked if things go well with her day tomorrow time-wise, could she join us please ? I’ll let you know as early in the day as poss if it’s a definite.

I think that’s about it, I promise not to leave it so long next time.

In the next thrilling instalment I promise a photo worth waiting for.

Cx

Kids - Red Bull & Pro Plus – separately ? – fine , but don’t mix them.

Catch up …

I have so much to tell that if I told it all you’d be reading for days so I’ll try & limit myself to the basics.

I think the last time I wrote anything was when Lovely Angie came to the stables with me, that was weeks ago, so what’s happened in the meantime ?

The 3 Peaks walk didn’t materialise, which was a bit galling after all the hill-walking I did in preparation – never mind, I plan to do them mid-September.

I visited Yorkshire anyway as I had the time off & spent a lovely day with my brother & his family & a couple of days walking with Mum. We did an all day walk which took us along the Leeds-Liverpool canal, and despite the heat it was a lovely way to pass the day, perfect for Barley too, who I think was suffering a touch of sun-stroke from her exertions the previous day as she could drop in & out of the canal when she felt like it.

Favourite quote of the day came from Mum, who could barely look, whilst watching Barley happily swimming in a lock said ‘Will she be ok - that’s really deep in there ?’

I drove home in the huge storm we had on the 28th June, I don’t know if you remember but we had severe weather warnings for it. Mum asked if I wanted to postpone my journey home, reassuring her I’d be fine I set off into the scariest journey I’ve ever had down the M1.

The storm lasted from Derbyshire to Buckinghamshire, some 100 miles and I counted over 200 lightning strikes. Remember when you were a kid & you would count the gap between lightning & thunder to work out how far away the storm was. For most of the time I got as far as the ‘wu…’ in one before the thunder came. Absolutely terrifying & I was frantically racking my memory banks for the episode of Top Gear when they sat in a car during an artificial storm & trying to recall whether they said you were safer in your car than out of it.

At one point whilst crawling along at 40 in the middle lane, passing an HGV doing 30, I was flashed by Mr White Van Man who thought in the conditions given I should be going a lot faster. Whilst tentatively feeling for grip I was harassed by him sitting on Henry’s bumper for about half a mile flashing me to move over. The fact that I would have had to pull into the HGV did not deter him and he obviously couldn’t be bothered overtaking me by using the outside lane. I copped his number plate as he came past, seething at what a dangerous position he had put me in.

Imagine my joy some 100 miles later when the stationary traffic I had been in for 25 minutes finally revealed the same van stuffed into a 7.5 tonne Royal Mail truck. Deep joy.

‘Scotland’s for me’

A couple of days before the G8 summit started I received a request from Turbo, an ex Kingston guv’nor who now works for those lovely SB people.

He was scraping the barrel, he said, desperate for literate people to help with ‘stuff’ in Scotland. Would I like to come & help move feckless politicians around ? I saw myself in one of those WW2 control rooms, pushing counters on a flat-top with a long thingy with a flat scrapey thingy on the end ; who could refuse ? The Big Guy had been invited too so I said ‘Yes please’

Due to incidents beyond his control (for which read ‘management’) Stan was unable to join us which was a shame as he had already been designated oic morale & was supposed to sing show tunes for the duration of the 12 hour car journey from NSY to Dundee.

Jute, jam & journalism.

Luckily for my 3 other passengers I knew lots about Dundee from Trudy and was able to keep them all fascinated for the entire journey with snippets of trivia. At one point Turbo asked another of the passengers to confirm he was carrying a firearm, I told Turbo they had rules about shooting civvies in cold blood & if he went ahead & authorised it, he’s be up to his neck in paperwork. They made me fly back alone – I’m not sure why ?

My time in Dundee was a bit of a blur, a couple of 19 hour days, (or nights to be more accurate) a couple of 17 hour days & no more than 4 hours sleep at any one time. During my one hour’s down-time it was chucking it down, although needless to say, it was gloriously sunny during sleep & work time. What I did see of Dundee I really liked, some lovely old buildings, a trendy waterfront area on the Tay and a breathtaking dragon sculpture outside the Overgate centre which I’m sure you love don’t you Trudy ?

Please don’t think I’m complaining, I promise I’m not, especially in light of the hours worked recently by all the emer services. In a strange way I got used to the lack of sleep (nothing to do with Red Bull & Pro Plus – honest)

I found the work fascinating, I had no idea of the amount of organisation that goes on behind the scenes at an event of this nature and I don’t think anyone noticed that I bluffed my way through the entire week. Every time I answered the phone it was to someone speaking a load of gibberish, none of which I understood, no change to working in the Control Room at Kingston I suppose.

It was an eye-opening week & a refreshing change to work for an organisation who takes certain things as a given ie. literacy and initiative. It was also nice to be treated as a grown up, something which has been sadly lacking since I returned to my normal place of work. I’ll spare you the weary details, suffice it to say, my management thought the most useful place I could be was Kingston rather then Casualty Bureau and refused to release me.

I’m not gong to go into detail about the events on Thursday, I’m sure you’re all at saturation point anyway. I do have a question for Murray though. As someone who never makes unsupported statements I’m curious to know who you think planted the bombs ? You’ve obviously given it some thought.

I get some days off this weekend, I plan to spend them at a game fair in Blenheim, seeing War of the Worlds, going to a BBQ at Weeny’s, cuddling some neddies and catching up with normal life.

Cx

Hello Baby

I’m pleased to report that Stuart and Kerry had a baby girl Olivia Grace on Monday 27th of June. Congratulations, Stu, I know you’ll make a good Dad.

I’m currently awaiting delivery of a new monitor, and there may be some further delay whilst I’m away working for the G8 summit in Scotland.

Michelle, I got your email and will reply as soon as I get back.

The more observant of you will have noticed I have been 'away'.
Except I haven't, my monitor died (half way through this post actually)
Bugger.
So it's not finished, hence the rather odd ending.
There are more photos to come too.
I think I wrote about 2 weeks ago if memory serves.
I can't get a new monitor til after payday.
'Stand by unless active or urgent'



Blink and you miss 17 days – how did that happen … ?

Location : Bedroom
Time ; 2041
Listening to : Radio 4
Hiding from ; Sharon’s boss & wife who are here for dinner

Where is this year going, every time I check my (sorry Stu’s) watch, we’re another month further on ?

You’ll be relieved to know I don’t plan on blogging in detail about everything I’ve done for the past 2 weeks, just the bits that stand out.

So … 2 weeks ago on Wednesday, Lovely Angie spent the day with me at the stables. We said hello to all the aminals then went off to prepare CB for a pootle around the Heath. Well – it was a pootle for me as I just sat on the horse but of course it turned out to be quite a brisk walk for poor Ange. I’m surprised Angie trusts me with any kind of walking since I recommended we try walking some of the 3 Peaks as the ideal convalescence after her spell of tonsillitis.

We met this on the Heath, check out CB's ears, he leapt 3 feet in the air.



After her forced route march she indulged in ‘ee-eeing’ CB.





Later that afternoon, I went to collect this.



It’s blue & silver, very beautiful & I am very pleased with it & immediately set off for Bushy Park for a test ride. I rode for nearly 2 hours and was surprised at what hard work it was especially off the paths. The next morning my bottom was to regret riding for 2 hours when I was walking as if I had an elephant jammed between my bottom cheeks.

The next evening we both headed off for Cocky’s for a spot of baby-sitting, house-admiring and wine-tasting. It was a lovely evening, Cocky’s developed into an incredibly relaxed Earth Mother type (minus the hessian) I suppose she has to be relaxed with Harry and the twins to care for.

Angie looked after Anna (the noisy twin) & I was fortunate enough to have Erin who alternated sleeping with gazing around happily. When I gave Eric her pre-bedtime bottle Cocky expressed surprised that I seemed au fait with what to do.

‘It’s just like looking after the foster lambs in NZ’ I told her, ‘except the lambs are really cute.’

Garth’s reaction when he came home later that evening from work was very funny. Garth has known me for many years. Espying me holding Erin he said ‘Bleedin’ hell Briggsy, are you pi55ed ?’

Apologies for the lack of pictures but my arms were full all evening.
At the end of the night we watched Big Brother, it made me really glad I don’t have a tv. If I’m being honest I also watched the run up to the Lions tour. The pros of no tv certainly outweigh the cons though.

Last Friday was the start of a week of nights. I have found the perfect way to start a night duty in summer is to have a late supper on the river bank whilst feeding the birds. It’s like squeezing the last drops of outdoors from the day before being entombed in the Control Room.

At the end of the shift I rode home on the towpath occasionally stopping the bike to watch the swans & marvel at how peaceful they looked. I was finishing work early enough to catch them still asleep & they bobbed on the water with their head tucked under a silken wing. Imagine sleeping with your face on a swan’s feathers. That really is being a princess.

This is someone who is not allowed on the bed, trying their best to look endearing so as not to get ordered from the bed. This photo really makes me laugh.

Spirit Horse

A couple of weeks ago, I browsed through the posters & prints available on Murray's blog. I've been promising myself a little something from there ever since I first started reading it.

I have, after a long time, narrowed it down to 4, but wanted to initially order just one to get an idea of the quality of the paper used.

You may have noticed the background to my recently refurbished blog is 'Spirit Horse'. This shot came about because when I visited Muz (he loves being called Muz) last November we used to pass 2 horses in a paddock on the way back to his.

I asked if he would photograph the horses & blog them once I'd returned to the UK. Spirit Horse was the result and was the first poster sized print I ordered.

I was pleased to see Zazzle (the company Muray uses) had used lovely thick paper & thought the print deserved a little more than a clip frame so I took it to The Gentle Gallery in Dorking where we pored for ages over the best mount & frame for it.

I settled for soft grey cartridge paper with a thin black line on the leading edge, finished with a slim, brushed silver frame and covered with non-glare glass.

The picture was my thank you to myself from the overtime I did for the tsunami & I'm very happy with it.

The photos don't really do it justice Murray, but here it is ...







Thank you.

Cx