Reports of my demise have been greatly exaggerated ...

I'm back, refreshed after my 1st afternoon off in 14 days.

I have come inside to get some peace & quiet, only to be thwarted by Alice who has come
inside, put on a cd at full volume, then gone outside again !

I was soaking up some rays by the pool but with the whole pool at her disposal, Alice
insisted upon playing with the pool filter, some 10 inches away from my head. Kids, etc. etc.

In fact, bear with me, I am going to unplug you for a little while, go to the cottage
& finish this entry off-line accompanied by one of my favourite listening at the mo,
Lord of the Rings soundtrack (Parts I to III)

Stand by ...

Right, where was I ?

Ah yes, 14 days on, 11/12 hour days each day & no time to even s my a.

I have worked longer, more mentally demanding stints in the Met, but can’t remember ever feeling so physically bushed as this. Bit of a strange feeling really, as I am physically fitter than I have been in a long time & too shattered to appreciate it.

Some evenings I have gone to bed before dinner & most evenings well before the kids
who are on their 6 week summer school holidays.

There are those of you to whom I owe e-mails, several of you in fact.

I am going out this evening with Kylie & tomorrow we plan to spend the whole day out,
firstly at a water complex in Te Rapa & then on a jet-boat booked for 5pm.

I know that those of you to whom I do owe e-mails would rather I was out enjoying this glorious
weather, than stuck in front of a pooter, so if I don’t get around to doing it tomorrow then trust me when I say it will happen. (Eventually)

First, the FAQ’s.

Yes – the weather is glorious. In the 30’s most days since New Year’s Eve & light until after 9pm. It’s lovely & today I got into the pool for the 1st time, I am a nice shade of brown with lots of different, very attractive tan lines, depending on what top I wore to work most recently.

No, Stan isn’t here. He headed up to Auckland on the 30th & is currently doing a diving course in the Bay of Islands. We are only managing sparse Q4A contact as he left his laptop & his fone was damaged by water.

Yes – I now have a mobile, which, although not as snazzy as my ‘beam me up Scotty’ one, means I can now send & receive txs again. The number remains the same.

Recent farm news.
No slottings recently.
Some paddocks closed down for hay-making.
Stray baby Jersey bull found it’s way onto the farm & fell in love with Twink, remaining glued to her nether regions for a couple of days until claimed by another local farmer.
Michelle continues apace with the veg plot which is now looking very Hugh Fearnley Whitingstall.
Eric, likewise with the roof of the deck, which has now been skimmed & painted & looks nothing like Changing Rooms, ie, chances are it will remain standing in a weeks time.

Lots of entertaining has been taking place here, the pool seems to be churning with ankle-biters all the time. I wonder if Eric realised when he spent 2 years building the pool that the local kids would be so appreciative ?

Eric celebrated his birthday on Thursday evening & the Tanner’s friends Mark & Cheryl, accompanied my Cheryl’s Mum, came over to throw jelly, trade insults & watch Eric blow his candles out.

The evening was a rowdy, good-natured affair, with the noise level you would expect with 5 kids running in & out of the house, whilst 8 adults drink & shout at each other. I was most disappointed to have to leave the melee at a reasonably early 11pm, whilst the rest of them carried on.

The evening also saw a picture which I must recover from Michelle’s files to show you, otherwise you wont believe me.

Mark & Cheryl’s 3 year old daughter Laura, asked her mum if she would take her to the loo. Cheryl was at the far side of the dining table, so being nearer, I offered to take Laura, imagining that we were talking 'Number Ones.’
It was after some considerable time spent perched on the loo that Laura informed me quite matter of factly, that she had in fact ‘done a poo’. This raised some interesting points.

Firstly, what’s the etiquette with 3 yr olds these days ?
Kids seem horribly mature to me now, I didn’t want to offer to (whisper this next bit) …wipe,
only to be viewed by said 3 year old, as some sort of weirdo.

On the other, (more practical) hand, I suspected I may be persona non grata if I were to present Laura to the full ensemble seated at the dining table to ask Mum to do the deed.

It was at this point that Michelle burst into our inner sanctum, disturbed us reading The Cat Book & took the offending picture for posterity.

My quandary was solved when Laura hopped off the loo, declared herself ‘finished’
& promptly bent over, placing her palms on the floor & making it patently clear what was expected of me. I am proud to report that I was very mature about the task, telling myself that I picked up what horses ‘did’ all day & why should this be any different ?

There was much ensuing hilarity from all the other adults at the dinner table. Cheryl asked me if Laura had asked if she was ‘clean as a whistle ?’ which is apparently her usual query.

Michelle has just brought me a long, cool G&T. How will I ever replace staff like these ?

On Tuesday night, I spent a very entertaining evening with some bronze friends, Malcolm & Justine, at Justine’s Dad’s in Cambridge. I lodged with them for a short while in Headley, Surrey about 3 years ago & we have stayed in touch since. They subsequently replaced me with a lodger who murdered his wife. Justine is a Kiwi, & she met & married Malcolm in England. Justine is funny, very good company, & into her neddies, owning a lovely chap called William. Malcolm likes to kill things, watch Kilroy & has a brother who looks like Fred West.
‘And I said to Sue …’

Come to think of it, he would get on very well with Eric. Malcolm that is, not Fred West.

They have been over in NZ for a few weeks on the ‘Crisp 2003 tour’, on account of, that is what they were offered to eat everywhere they went. Partly due to my stupid work hours & partly due to their travelling to see different relations, we didn’t manage to meet up until their last night here.

The evening in Cambridge was spent in typical Kiwi fashion, on a candlelit deck, under the stars, eating great food & drinking too much. The house is incredibly lovely, very tastefully decorated with art & photos on every vertical surface & the perfect setting for a get-together.
As well as Justine’s dad, there was also her mum Christine & sister Kate, as well as Kate’s boyfriend Miles. The weird thing is, that I have driven past Justine’s dad’s house on numerous occasions without realising it. It’s a small blah blah.

I don’t think I could report a single sentence of the conversation which took place that evening. Partly because these postings have to get by a police firewall system, to Hadders & the rest of D team, & partly because you just wouldn’t believe me. The most I can report is

‘Hello Carol, how are you ?’

and then

‘Goodnight’.

What took place in between made me feel a little like Alice at the mad Hatter’s Tea Party. Every now & then Malc & I would collapse in giggles after a particularly ribald comment. Malc would then look at me & with a totally straight face & say ‘Lovely warm people these, aren’t they ?’

After dinner, we retired to the drawing room to watch a home movie of a Shire stallion’s erection. Honestly. What else can I say ?

In all truth though, it was a lovely evening, I had been looking forward to catching up with them ever since arriving out here. Unbeknownst to them, they were quite instrumental in my coming to NZ. Malc always spoke in glowing terms of life out here, Justine raved about the hunting & quite rightly predicted I would be jumping fences I would never have considered at home. They also invited me to stay with them at their very cute cottage in Rutland, the night before my interview with the company that found me my job over here in Seddon.

So, in essence, they are responsible, for the totally miserable time I had with Trish. Cheers guys. Awesome.

Which brings me, in a neat kind of Barry Norman fashion on to my next point.

Bugger & Awesome.

By the way, I have received a tx from the UK which informs me I have to pay an unexpectedly large bill in the UK pronto. This has put the kybosh (sp?) on my night out, so that I can still go jet-boating tomorrow.

The point being that, I now have more time to type.

So, go get yourself a cup of tea if you are in England, a beer if you are in the US, or a Tim Tam in NZ (Bill), go to the loo/john/long drop & come back & settle down for a bit more …

The 2 words above, represent everything I like most & least about the Kiwi language.

Firstly, bugger. Well, I suppose that’s blown this getting through the firewall Hadders.
Anything you can do about that Stan ? Bugger has always been one of my favourite words to say in moments of stress. Strange really, considering what it actually means, but for some reason it’s more likely to make me smile than to offend me. The word that is, not the act.
I must point out that when posh Surrey people say ‘baggah’ this is entirely unacceptable.
This in no way, shape or form comes close to the Yorkshire pronunciation with a very short, guttaral ‘uh’ sound in the middle, which renders the word comical, homely even.

Say it for yourself, out loud, several times, wherever you are when you read this, the Yorkshire way (one for you & the girls Weeny) & see if you smile afterwards. You did, didn’t you ?

Now imagine that you hear it all day long & see it in print several times, as well as hearing it on the radio. How could you not love this country ? One particular advert sticks in my mind.It’s for a posh hotel, advertising weekend breaks.

‘Buggered ? Need to get away ? Come to hotel such & such’ Marvellous.

At the other end of the scale is ‘awesome’. Please understand, I like Kiwis very much, they are friendly, honest, open people. But. They need to know the following.

Niagara Falls is awesome.
The Grand Canyon is awesome.
The Earth viewed from space is awesome.
The fact that people are born every second of every minute of every hour is awesome.

The following are not awesome.

Radios. Restaurants. Knives. Lamps. Laundry Bins. Stamps. Telephones. Chips. Beds.

And in one instance, in response to an assistant putting a customer’s till receipt in the customer’s bag & informing her that she had done this, said customer replied that it was ‘awesome’ It was not. It was a simple every day, unremarkable act of a shop assistant.

I feel better now.

Stud News

With only 2 weeks to go until the sales, work has reached fever pitch.
I eat, dream & sleep horses. Literally. I had a dream in which I was unprepared to parade a horse called ‘Nothing Less’ & awoke panicking.

Only one word is said regularly now & it is quite simply ‘faster’.

Whether we be grooming, mucking out, leading, putting horses on/off the walker, the refrain is always the same ‘Faster, faster, faster.‘

I think I could have saved them a lot of money when they printed the staff handbook.

Please don’t imagine from this that we lounge about with nothing to do, thus ensuring someone sees you & shouts ‘faster’ On the contrary, I can now fully groom a horse & prep it (do the pretty, twiddly bits) in a little over 20 minutes. When I walk a horse out to it’s paddock, my ickle legs are a piston-like blur & I can skip out a box in 5 minutes flat.

However, nothing I do is quite fast enough & my only consolation is that everyone says the same. So we are either all useless (quite possibly) or we are being pushed faster & faster to make sure we cope at the sales (more likely).

The horses are, with one or 2 exceptions, looking stunningly good. Their coats are gleaming (& so they should when they are curried up to 3 times a day) and their muscles are developing nicely with the walker work they are doing every day. As anticipated, now that they are feeling good, some of their attitudes are changing for the worse.

However, we are putting quite a lot of pressure on them for babies, asking them to submit to new things every day, & I think by & large they cope quite well. This week, they were all asked to wear browbands for the 1st time & tomorrow they will be wearing travelling boots to prepare them for the truck journey to the sales.

They have also had to put up with being, in effect, separated from their mates. They used to be able to see into the box next to them & there are now partitions between each box. This is to prepare them for the sales where they won’t be able to see their mates & would find it very stressful to be separated & paraded.

My current crop of injuries are ;

A rainbow coloured right knee, courtesy of a front-foot kick from ‘Maybe Yes.’
Several bites to both arms, thanks to ‘Kape Dancer’, ‘Luna Tudor’ & ‘Party Queen’
A squashed & bruised right foot, due to ‘Star’, who jumped on it.

The most unpleasant injury though, occurred when I was mounted, by my colt, ‘Real Success’.
Go ahead & laugh if you want (& I would, if it were you) but it was very scary.
Of my allocated 4, he is the most mild-mannered & I consider him to be a bit
of a ‘Clark Kent’. The worst thing he does usually, is to fidget whilst I groom him.
Last week however, I noticed that he was, how can I put this ? More interested
in me than he should be. I was preparing him for a parade & he was ‘barring-up’.
(Ask a horsey friend). I told him to ‘Packiiiitin’ & was relieved to hand him over to a
leader without further ado.

The next day, I was grooming him again, in his stable, & he seemed to be back to himself.
I had just finished & was walking around the front of him to unclip him from his bungy.
We never walk around the back of them for reasons you can probably imagine.
As I passed in front of his head, without warning, he lunged for me. Using the underside of his jaw & his knees he trapped me against the wall & I fell onto the floor, with him on top
of me.

I fell into the foetal position & the only saving grace was that as I did, my right arm was held
out above me. I pushed my elbow between his front legs & screamed for him to get off me.
Luckily, he did and I wasted no time in getting straight out of the box.

Kylie was in the next box to me at the time, grooming ‘Clinique’ & she said it was very scary seeing me disappear onto the floor with a horse on top of me. Not half as scary as it
was from my angle, I informed her. After asking if I was ok, she immediately asked to borrow my hoof-pick, which reduced me to hysterical, relieved giggles. 30 minutes later & I was still shaking.

We worked out the reason why he had been so ‘interested’ in me & without embarrassing my male readers, you can probably work it out. Suffice it to say, Kirsty groomed him for a couple of days for me & we seem to be back to normal now. I am wary when walking around the front of any of the colts now. Probably no bad thing.

What of my other neddies, I hear you cry ?

‘Sustaad’ becomes more imposing & handsome every day. His neck & chest are very muscular & he is fully aware of what a prospect he is. I saw a photo of his sire ‘Elnadim’ today, & can see where Sussy gets his stature from. He regularly tries out his strength & wiles & caught Trina a painful blow in the face with his head this week. He is somewhat of a contradiction, being by turns, the most affectionate & the most dangerous of my charges. I admire him but treat him with more respect than ever. So far (touching bookshelf) we have not had an altercation.

‘Racey Belle’ has, as I thought he may, blossomed into possibly the best-looking colt on the yard. His coat is now a gleaming bright red bay & his white markings, emphasise his impossibly large, bushbaby eyes. He has had a bit of an off-week after reacting badly to having a brow-band fitted, but in general, is calm & a pleasure to handle. His scars are almost invisible & the only clue to his accident is a slightly smaller near-side chest muscle. His sire is ‘Carnegie’ (for Taff)

‘What Can I Say’ or Watties has changed personality. She bit Kylie badly on the waist, causing nasty bruising & although she hasn’t actually bitten or kicked me yet, she threatens to do so, routinely. The quiet handling, which she seemed to respond so well to, in the early days, has now been replaced with more forceful handling as she was becoming disrespectful. I am pleased to report, I can finally brush her forelock though, but only when I cover her right eye.
She has developed into a very muscular filly with a big neck & looks almost coltish in appearance. Her sire is ‘Fusaichi Pegasus’


It looks as though (unconfirmed as yet) I will be travelling to Auckland for the K2 sales, which means I will only see Racey Belle sold, as the others are all K1’s. K1 is the Premier Sales for the higher class horses. K2’s are also known as Select & are not expected to fetch such a high price. I will admit to being very disappointed not to see ‘Sustaad’ sold. Trina has told me she will take lots of photos & say goodbye to him for me.

Our stallion, ‘Van Nistelrooy’ left the stud a couple of weeks ago, to take up his new position at Coolmore Stud in Ireland, travelling via New York. Dean, his handler, went with him & we were all sad to see him go. He is a very knowledgeable handler & his calming presence around the horses was always much appreciated.

The stud feels odd, without a stallion, I don’t know if there are plans afoot to obtain another one, or if we just wait for him to return.

On the theme of VN, we received our Xmas gifts, which were Trelawney baseball caps & t-shirts. The t-shirts bear the legend ‘Get Ruud with Van Nistelrooy’ on the back, which I thought was very droll.

For any of you that haven’t heard of Man Utd, (is there anyone ?) our stallion is named after the Dutch International who plays for Man Utd. Ruud is his first name, hence the slogan on the t-shirt. No ? Oh well, I like it.

When Stan returns, I’ll ask him to take the obligatory piccie.

I think that’s about it for now, Harriette was asking for the pooter so I will sign off & go & enjoy the remains of my G&T in company.

The usual quickies.

Mum, Will fone tomorrow morning, my time, Saturday evening yours.

Congratulations Grace, upon passing your driving test 1st time. Clever girl.
Please be careful, although I hear you are a very good driver, the roads are full of
cretins who are not.

Romana, Happy New Year to you too, sorry it’s taken 10 days. Usual excuses apply,
see earlier.

Andy, Have finished the tape, it was excellent, the Tanners will be borrowing it next.
I have bored them every day with the latest plot-lines.

STRE, As above, on last side of last tape, you must read the book, you will love it.

Stan, CD1, Track 10. Too beautiful. Miss you. ps. Kotahitanga blank ?

Stu, Doing your reply straight after this, bear with me.

Weeny, How was your Xmas & New Year ?

Chef, T Square was your penance for getting to meet ‘them’ when you organised the victory
parade. Will you be sending any memorabilia ? Pair of Ben Cohens grundies by
any chance ?

Well, as the G&T is drained, I will leave you for now.

Thanks to all who missed Q4A & wrote to say so.

Cx