Christmas 2005

Location : The Dairy
Time : 2053
Drinking : Grolsch
Listening to : Roger Sanchez on my gorgeous new metallic blue i-pod mini, I'm in love, how did I ever cope without one of these ?

I paid a flying visit to Yorkshire over the 21st & 22nd, prior to working the 4 earlies over Christmas & I'm so glad I did cos Mummeh was on cracking form. I knew it was a good omen when I made my best ever time up there, 3.5 hours flat door-to-door. Didn't even need the usual concoction of Red Bull & Pro-Plus to keep me awake on the journey.

Arrived to find Mummeh's place looking beautiful in bronze & blue, very impressive given that she has single-handedly unpacked & arranged the house in a little under 8 weeks. Bloody well done you.

Retired to beesies after oohing & aahing over all the decorations & bemoaning the fact that they were all 'much better than mine'.

A fairly easy day followed, comprising of reading & a little light shopping. Not light as in volume but looking for a pewter standard lamp. Unsuccessfully as it turned out, however, we now know what we want having seen what we don't want.

Mummeh has, to my delight, a comprehensive range of mountain/mountaineering books & she's the only person I can visit & not feel guilty about spending an entire day reading.

After braving the biting cold we felt justified in curling up with the moggies to watch War of the Worlds. How naive we were. Mum disappeared into the kitchen, promising to return with a mug of tea & a warmed puff pastry mince pie.

She returned much more quickly than I had expected, looking visibly agitated.

It must be said at this point that Mummeh doesn't do panic. In all the time I've known her (quite a long time) I've never seen her hysterical.

'I don't know what to say' she said as she looked at me sprawled comfortably in an armchair.

Thinking there was a hiccup on the mince pie front I reassured her

'Don't worry if you don't have the puff pastry ones, shortcrust will be fine' I soothed.

'The only thing I can think to do is panic' was her reply.

Which threw me a little.

'Towels !' she suddenly commanded. 'Go get towels !'

I still wasn't sure why, but she said it in a tone which didn't brook argument so I raced up to the bathroom to fetch a sheaf of freshly laundered towels. I followed her into the kitchen wondering if we were expecting a happy event. To find the kitchen 3 inches deep in scalding water.

Turns out the hot water pipe under the sink had split.

I baled whilst she rang her insurance company to obtain the services of an emergency plumber.

I overheard one side of the conversation amidst the sounds of gushing water & scalding flesh.

'Hello, I have an emergency, my kitchen's flooding.'

'No - I don't know where the stopcock is, I've only lived here 2 months.'

'Yes - I appreciate that if I could turn the water off it would help but as I said earlier, I don't know where the stopcock is.

'No - I can't go look for it.'

'Because I'm on the phone to you.'

'You're going to put me through to the emergency line now ?'

'Who are you then ?'

'The call - handling centre ? Of course you are.'

'No, tomorrow evening is not acceptable for a plumber to attend.'

'Ok then, send one tomorrow evening, by then you'll have a huge insurance claim on your hands'

She was then put on hold & had soothing muzak played to her ... Handel perhaps ?

During the muzak & in a stroke of genius, she dialled Doreen from her mobile. You will of course remember Doreen from 'I measured it with my eyes' & other such classic quotes. I am rapidly becoming very fond of Doreen.

Doreen likes to do her own household DIY, she is also great in a crisis.

She arrived in less than 3 minutes & sailed into the kitchen with all the majesty of a galleon in full sail. Removing her shoes & rolling up her shirt she proceeded to grab the pipe & quell the flow. Mummeh had by now turned off the boiler meaning that although the water was still coming at full force, it was at least cold rather than skin peelingly hot.

As she grappled with the pipe she barked at me ...

'Stand behind me, pull that kickboard out from under the sink, put your face on the floor & tell me if you can see a tap.' It's testament to Doreen's force of character that I obeyed unflinchingly.

In the meantime Mummeh explored the croft which is a little room underneath the house containing the gas boiler & other such boring but necessary household bits & pieces. She turned taps this way & that, whilst enduring a cold shower, periodically enquiring if it had 'stopped yet ?'

Finally, some 35 minutes after it had begun, the water was finally staunched when Doreen turned an insignificant looking screw close to the pipe under the sink.

Sodden, the three of us surveyed each other dolefully. Putting an arm around Doreen's shoulder I said 'So, Doreen, how are you ? Happy Christmas by the way'

(Quick break from typing whilst I listen to Da Rude's 'Sandstorm' which brings out the Y-chromosome in me, whilst I'm listening to it I can't type, or do anything else for that matter)

Waving the plumber goodbye, (he couldn't find the stopcock either, which cheered us somewhat) Mummeh & I thankfully sank into position ready to watch War of the Worlds. Alas, it was not to be. Despite the video wheels going turn-y turn-y & the tv & video both being switched on, Tom stubbornly failed to appear on the screen. In a moment of inspiration we realised the tv was not connected to the video with the scart thingy - pah ! Who needs man-magic ?

A quiet day followed in which the most energetic thing we did was to take a turn around Peel Park & to construct some kitty hammocks. Clancy allowed himself to be placed into the hammock & enjoyed it immensely because he is an boy. Hazel, who is an girl, feigned terror & leapt from the terrifying object which was hoisted a whole 30 centimetres from the floor. Recent reports indicate that she has found the courage to sit on the hammock when it is on the floor.

Henry & I headed off into the night, bound for the M1.

As I turned east-bound onto the M62 I received the following text from Mummeh.

'Want a giggle ? Have found stopcock. Ho ho ho'


And so onto Christmas day & early turn.

You would think people could manage without the Old Bill for one day of their lives. Apparently not so. This telephone call provided an illuminating glimpse into somone's married life.

'Come arrest me before I kill my wife'

Sure enough, when Plod turned up, he had smashed a slate chess board over his wife's head. I'm guessing he didn't get the X-box he was hoping for. And the really tragic thing about this call - it was made at 0730 in the morning.

I don't plan to work over Christmas again if I can help it.

After 4 days of earlies, and the obligatory copious eating & drinking I was seriously in need of outdoors time. After collecting Barley yesterday we headed off to my favourite park, Bushy for some very bracing r & r.

Look Mummeh, Bushy was blue & bronze too.










Today was neddy time.




Hannah had already been exercised when I arrived which left CB & Woody. The usual course of events with 2 horses to exercise is to ride CB who is very well-behaved & to lead Woody who is slightly less so. Just recently though Woody has been a little unpredictable. He possesses a sizable buck & has been using it of late. Call me daft but if he was going to muck about I figured I had more control if I was on board rather than leading.



We set off into the frozen Surrey woodland & as is always the way when one is expecting problems, both neddies behaved superbly. Milky pointed out that it may have had something to do with the warning I issued to Woody who tried to bite me as I mounted. It's true, I did threaten to 'kick the sh*t out of him' if he bit me, but I thought it was best if we understood one another from the outset.



Come on Barley


And in closing, these shots are for Mummeh, to back up what people keep saying about Christmas ... it's for the kids isn't it ?











I hope that wherever you are you've had a lovely Christmas & have a great New Year's Eve. I'll doubtless be watching drunken numpties on CCTV kicking the living crap out of each other.

Peace on Earth ? Quite possibly.

Peace in Kingston town centre ? Unlikely.


Cx

ps. Hello to Creaky - got your card thanks & the number from V, will call after nights.