This time last year I was utterly miserable

I had returned from a fantastic holiday in NZ with absolutely no intention of acknowledging Christmas in any way, shape or form.
In actual fact I was hoping to hide in NZ & not come back at all.

It was no one thing causing me heartache, more a sequence of events which when taken together seemed utterly overwhelming.

My Gran had made her feelings towards me clear by failing to acknowledge me with a card for the 1st time. I had received some news which even though it shouldn’t have, had knocked me for six. My personal life was in turmoil. I was nursing painful links which were doing me no good. And I was strongly drawn to someone who was unavailable. If I told you I spent a lot of time listening to ‘O’ by Damien Rice you can probably surmise my mood.

The icing on this emotional cake was receiving a Christmas card from the mother of my 1st boyfriend – M. This in itself is nothing unusual, we have swapped cards without fail since I first met M, some 19 years now (god that’s scary to type) I was with M for 5 years & will admit to you lot that the last 18 months of our relationship were spent with me wondering how to tell his mother that we were over.

In the end, she wasn’t surprised at all – people always know don’t they ? And she cheered me up no end by saying that just because M & I were no longer, there was no reason for us to cease contact.

I’m rambling. The point being that usually she fills me in on a little of M’s news, you know the kind of thing ‘he’s engaged, he’s married, the 1st child’s just been born’ etc etc. The usual pattern of life. I usually receive each snippet of news with equanimity, pleased that a decent bloke is enjoying his life. Last year’s card was a little more detailed & included reference to his canny property investment, resulting in a North Yorks farmhouse, wife, 3 kids, a pony & chickens.

A PONY ? A PONY ?? WHAT ???

Hang on ? Wasn’t that meant to be me ?

All of a sudden (possibly because of the mention of a pony) I had cast myself as the wronged, badly-done to woman. This of course was nonsense. We weren’t right for one another & he was yearning for a family when we were both very young (We were both 21 when we separated after 5 years)

Had I received the card any other time of the year I think I would have read it & thought nothing more of it but arriving as it did when I was wobbly, it did untold bad things to my psyche.

Everywhere I looked, handsome couples were cosying up to one another whilst snowflakes fell on their cashmere hats & settled on their glossy eyelashes (alright I’m exaggerating but you know what I mean)

I recall standing, weeping silently, in Clinton’s like a total fool, reading all the ‘Blue Without You’ teddy bear cards. Those sodding things should be put where the likes of me can’t reach them.

Bill may recall a text conversation from this time, the week before Christmas.

Bill ‘Hello – how are you ?’

Me ‘Not good’

Bill ‘Can I ring you’

Me ‘No’

Bill (quite reasonably) ‘Why not’

Me ‘Can’t answer’

Bill ‘Why not’

Me ‘Don’t have the energy to talk’

Bill ‘Ok – tell me what’s wrong by text then’

Me ‘No point’

Bill ‘Go on, you never know, it might help’

Me ‘Well, my 1st boyfriend… 1986 … blah blah blah blah blah … etc etc … ad infinitum …pony … unavailable … lonely … hate Christmas … love New Zealand … pony … no life here … didn’t want to come home …life is going nowhere … everyone has someone but me … and I shouldn’t even care … but I do … 1st Christmas Gran has blanked me … etc etc etc

Bill

Me ‘Bill are you still awake ?

My overwhelming feeling was one of loneliness, which is odd given what great friends I have. When I told Weeny what a lousy time I’d had (afterwards needless to say when it was too late) she chided me by saying ‘I’m 5 minutes away, you need never be lonely’ and it’s true, she is. Thing is, the distance was irrelevant. My 3 closest girlfriends are all within a 30 minute drive. I don’t know about you but when I’m fed up I withdraw, convinced people won’t like me (not unreasonable, when I’m down, I don’t like me) I don’t feel I can face the world or people until I’ve staged enough of a recovery to at least wash my hair.

My plans for Christmas Day were to ride in the morning & spend the day at home alone. I told Bloo of my plans. Luckily for me Mr & Mrs Bloo wouldn’t hear of it. I was told in no uncertain terms that I would be spending the day with them in Fleet. Funny thing is, once I got there, the thought of being alone scared me & I ended up staying there for 3 days. I was totally & utterly spoiled, got very drunk & asked far too many personal questions of my hosts, all of which were answered in their usual good humour.

Me ; ‘So how EXACTLY did you two know that you were right for each other ?

It must have been with many a sigh of relief that they waved me off.

After Mr Bloo liberated me from the bathroom, where I had been trapped for 20 minutes.

Where am I going with this ? You may well ask. If you’ve stuck with me for this long you’re either interested to delve into another person’s psyche or you’re bored at work & have internet access.

I model myself on The Lovely Angie when it comes to organisation. It is Angie who sends the hand-written thank you notes, Angie who pops photos of her kitties in the post to me for no good reason, Angie who finds funny newspaper clippings including dogs or neddies, Angie who forwards the weekly funny Round Robin e-mail (that will stop now, come to think of it, now that she’s going to be busy with flowers all day)

And crucially, the first Christmas card I ever receive is always from Lovely Angie. I’ve always promised myself I would be more like Lovely Angie if only I had more time. Which is ludicrous, I have more time than anyone I know. I’ve always fallen woefully short on my self-imposed comparison.

But.

This year, by the 11th of December & I had posted all my packages and all my cards. Please read that line again – go on, indulge me – I’ve never been able to write it before.

Yesterday I went to the Post Office, lovingly wrapped packages clutched in my sweaty grasp & reluctantly handed them over to a man who assured me they were safely bound for distant shores (10,000 miles away to be accurate).

The feeling of well-being I have from knowing that everything is done cannot be over-estimated. I know I’m easily pleased but let’s remember you’re reading about a person that enjoys vacuuming with a Dyson purely to see the chamber fill with dust.

In the next week I have something to look forward to every day.

Tomorrow = Day off, hunting for sheepskin kitty hammocks (don’t ask)
Some outdoors time
Evening = Christmas drinks & a meal with our lovely Guv’nor.

Tuesday = Riding during the day.
Evening = Olympia horse show in the evening.
For me Olympia is Christmas.

Wednesday = Early turn.
Evening = Cinema to see ‘March of the Penguins’

Thursday = Early turn.
Evening = with Lovely Ang.

Friday = Early turn.
Evening = Ice-skating & candle-lit Carol concert at Kew Gardens.

Saturday. = Day off. Haircut.
Evening = Work Christmas do at v.posh hotel.
I shall be very well-behaved.

This year I am working Christmas Day, Boxing Day, The Day When Briggsies were born, New Year’s Eve, New Years Day & the next 5 days after New years Day & do you know ? – I don’t mind at all. Apart from the financial renumeration that comes with working 5 Bank Holidays the difference is this year …

…I’m looking forward to Christmas.

If, for any reason you’re not, my thoughts are with you.

Cx