Take one turkey


The Christmas market is flooded with celebrity cook books at this time of year.

Here’s my take on Christmas dinner.


Prepare sprouts, potatoes, carrots, place in cold water.

Consume one glass of champagne.

Take one turkey, wash, pat dry.

Heat oven.

Put turkey in oven.

Place oil for roast potatoes in hot oven.

Smell burning 20 minutes later.

Discard burned oil.

Place more oil for potatoes in oven.

Consume second glass of champagne.

Put potatoes into heated oil, reminding oneself to turn & baste them to prevent burning.

Smell burning 30 minutes later.

Turn & baste burned potatoes.

Baste turkey.

Put sprouts on to begin traditional hour- long simmer.

Place chestnuts in oven.

Remove burned potatoes from oven, cut blackened bottoms from each potato, salvaging non-carcinogenic bits.

Drop one potato, unheeded, to floor.

Step on same potato, barefoot, thus perfecting technique of mashing potato through toes.

Hurriedly lift right foot to inspect developing burn & simultaneously place left foot onto sticky lid of ‘pigs in blankets’ (dropped unheeded earlier)

Hop across kitchen floor, shaking left foot to try & discard lid, kick lone, uncooked chestnut underneath washing machine.

Hear loud explosion from oven.

Decide chestnuts are ready.

Put carrots on.

Begin to prepare gravy, reminding oneself to turn it down to simmer.

Smell burning 5 minutes later, discover gravy has black bits in.

Decide to sieve gravy to remove lumps.

Forget to place gravy receptacle in sink.

Sieve good gravy down plug, left with black bits & congealed gravy.

Drink another glass of champagne.

Serve meal & enjoy.

Happy Christmas,

Cx