'And then I met the Queen, which was nice'

For those numerous readers who have asked (well, ok 2) what Casualty Bureau is, it's the Metroplitan Police's response to any major incident which requires co-ordinated handling.

Many members of the Metropolitan Police undertake HOlMES training in order to be able to work at Casualty Bureau.They are called in at very short notice to work on an incident which can occur anywhere & not just in the UK. HOlMES is the computerised investigation tool which was first conceived in the aftermath of the Yorkshire Ripper enquiry when the obscene amounts of paperwork generated proved too unwieldy to interrogate efficiently.

For anyone wondering ... because I would ; HOlMES is Home Office Major Enquiry Something which escapes me. The 'L' is added to make it more 'Sherlock' & therefore impressive.

I was 1st HOlMES trained some 4 years ago & have assisted in the Aldwych bus bombing (the one where the terrorist blew himself up - dreadful shame), the Bhuj earthquake, the Selby train crash & The World Trade Center.

I wasn't at all surprised to be called in for the Indian Ocean quake, what did surprise me was that my Christmas & New Year weren't disrupted, so I could hardly complain when they did call me in.

Yesterday was my 1st view of the new Casualty Bureau (the old one was at NSY) & it looked, on the face of it, very impressive.

I had heard tell that it was to be the place which would handle the single biggest UK terrorist attack, but that of course, in no way prepared anyone for the casualties generated by a tsunami.

So 0530 yesterday saw me on the road heading for Hendon. Luckily I had set my alarm because surprisingly for once I hadn't received my customary 0430 'goodnight' tx from Milky. For anyone who doesn't know - Milky is nocturnal, which is why his eyes are so tiiiiiny on early turn.

At 0700 I had my first briefing from a very tired-looking Commander. I would like to claim it was just he & I. Truth be told, there were about 100 of us there from forces all over the UK including Suffolk, Surrey & Northumbria. Most people in the room had been working 12 hour days since Boxing Day so it's fair to say the briefing was a tad mutinous.

That aside, I looked around the room & felt that rare feeling of pride I occasionally have in working for the worlds biggest police service. (I can hear you now Eric, bloody Home Office sponsored parasites) The briefing was extremely professional & the Commander verged on just the right side of 'up & at 'em'. I'm a real sucker for an inspirational speaker. Shame he hadn't bulled his shoes.

Having not done any CB stuff for over 2 years, it's fair to say I was a little nervous. It's especially difficult walking into a tight-knit, bonded team who have worked through lots of problems before you breeze in & say 'What's to do then ?' It was with huge relief that I spotted Lolly at breakfast. Lolly & I worked together in New York & I can safely say he has one of the best lateral brains I have had the pleasure to work with. I am a plodder, give me a bunch of stats & tell me to pick out the faults & I'm away but Lolly has a great sideways brain & can come up with excellent 'work-arounds'. It's fair to say he was responsible for the smooth running of an office he cobbled together from hand-me-downs in the British Consulate in New York & I have a great deal of respect for his working methods.


Lolly is actually Lawrence or 'Lol' but Di & I took great delight in calling him 'Lolly' in a high-pitched girly voice (escpecially when we were socialising & he was looking to impress a female). Lolly also rides a big motorbike, which makes him a good bloke. Obviously.

Also at Hendon was Steve, who I also worked in the States with so it was a bit disappointing to find that Di has done her stint at CB & has now gone back to her 'normal' job.

I met Dave, the sergeant who was responsible for my work in New York, had a huge hug & he asked me what I planned on doing to assist. 'I thought I might do some inputting' I answered very quietly, hoping to get my hand back in before people started asking me to do difficult things.

'Nonsense' he beamed, 'lets have you in with the collators.

And so that's what I did for 12 hours yesterday. I worked through 2,000 records (we are currently working on a figure of 40,000 Brits reported involved in some way, shape or form) looking to match up differing reports for casualties who may be the one person. It's extremely tiring work because you are staring permanently at a screen & cannot afford a lapse in concentration. However, as ever, we are superbly managed, encouraged to take frequent breaks & generally looked after. The biggest downside was Magic FM, in one hour I noted Elton & Kiki, the BeeGees & Patrick Swayze. Luckily there were counsellors on hand.

The day was enlivened by a Royal visit in the form of the Queen & the Duke of Edinburgh. He's great. He looked at a map of the affected areas, pointed to Phuket & said 'I don't know why they don't spell it like we say it 'F**k it'. I've decided they have a bet on the way to these official visits to liven them up. On the way to this one he said 'Bet you a tenner I'll say 'f**k it.' 'You wouldn't dare' says she. Game on. We do much the same to liven up boring shifts at work. Wonder if they pull blue latex gloves onto their heads too ? The Queen has the most beautiful skin.

I was very pleased for Lolly when he was selected to explain the workings of the collators to the Queen. He was totally unflustered & I was very proud of him. His text to his girlfriend began 'You'll never guess what...?'

Shortly after our important visitors had left, the room was back to normal, collars undone, sweeties out & radio blaring.

I had just selected 2 fruit salads & 2 black jacks from the tub & was returning to my seat when I noticed a tall, distinguished chap enter the room. It was as my ar5e-cheeks touched my seat that I recognised him & sprang up to shake the hand that was being offered. 'Hello Sir' I said, wondering where I could put my sweeties. If Sir John Stevens, the outgoing Commissioner of the Metropolitan Police was surprised to be given 4 sweeties during a handshake, he was gracious enough to pretend not to notice.

He was tremendously likeable, spoke to everyone in the room & whenever anyone stood, to shake his hand, he motioned them to sit again saying 'No-one's interested in an old Commissioner like me, when you've had a royalty visit'.

What impressed the most though was that he arrived untrumpeted & without an entourage, unlike our other visitors who we were told to 'tidy up' for. This, I admit, always brings out the raging iconoclast in me, I bet the Queen would love to hear the radio & see sweeties strewn around rather than the false impression of sterility we always offer her. Rant over.

My day ended badly when I got lost going home. I hate North London & have a nosebleed if I cross the Thames. I only needed to find 2 roads to get me home, the A406 & the A205. I somehow missed the A205 which is very unlike me & ended up heading for the only road I know in North London - the M25. For those of you from the Uk, just read that again. Yes - I know.

A 45 minute inward journey, became a 2 hour 20 minute homeward-bound one. Not a happy bunny.

Dave asked if I was available to do more CB work & when I replied that I was he said that he saw this lasting for about 6 weeks.

If it does, you won't hear or see much of me & I won't be neddy-pestering either if I'm working 7am - 7pm.

We'll see.

I made the most of a day off today & spent it picking up poo, filling haynets, filling water-buckets & of course riding.

It was fresh & blustery on Headley Heath today & I took lots of deep breaths wondering when I'd be doing it again.

A leisurely late lunch with Cocky was the perfect end to the afternoon, she is still very ill & couldn't face the lunch we had planned in Epsom, so I went to hers for a cup of tea, a sandwich & a catch-up. At 7 months pregnant with twins she is the same weight I am but a totally different shape. She has no thighs or ar5e but a huge belly & wonderful boobs. From the back, you woudn't know she was pregnant. She's still fainting and/or hurling & cannot wait to 'get rid of them'. I think she means 'give birth' but I wouldn't swear to it. Despite claiming to have not washed her hair for 3 days & living in wellies & tracksuit bottoms (when at the stables anyway) she looked gorgeous, so it was difficult to believe how lousy she felt.

Garth & Harry's return from the shops was my cue to leave. My God - that child never shuts up.

I have been giving lots of thought to my New Year's Revolutions - watch this space.

Cx

ps. Murray, I now cannot get into Yahoo or G-Mail but it arrived - thank you, thought I recognised the CD cover