‘I’m sorry, I haven’t a clue’

Not how I feel in general, but the best programme on Radio 4, which I have just finished listening to. Even if you’ve never listened to anything on Radio 4, because you’re young & trendy, do yourself a favour & tune in just once.

Monday evenings 6.30pm. 93.2 fm

Having said that, this series has just finished & next Monday it’s ‘Just a Minute’ which though chucklesome, is not laugh out loud like ‘ISIHAC’

‘Look, look, she’s brought cowboy boots.’
‘No, they’re my normal boots actually’
‘Oh’.

What an excellent evening. Hx, you must come next year. And you Bloo.

My only regret ? Buying wine, dips & nibbles & inviting the gurls to Leith Hill first. Why ? Because I couldn’t shift any of the herd from the house & we arrived at the stables at a run at 9.10pm, some 2 & a half hours after it had started.

Every time I threatened to remove the alcohol someone would say
‘But I haven’t got changed yet/put my fake freckles on/done my hair’
I felt like a very unsuccessful sheepdog. There were 5 of us & only Lorna (Angie’s sister) wasn’t drinking, which meant she got lumbered with driving.
Sorry Lorna. Thank you Lorna. Sorry Lorna.

Well done Weeny, who as well as providing glitter stetsons (green for Ange, silver for herself, purple (what else) for Trudy & red for myself) came equipped with acres of gingham & lots of hairbands. She was also on top form & only the fact that she is hugely entertaining means none of us minded when she told the ‘Doc Martin candle story’, yet again. She really hogged the conversation actually. I would hate to be like that.

As I type I am watching 2 bungee-wabbits cropping the grass. Eric, you would be pleased to know that I lined them up when I first saw them.

Anyway, back to the barn dance …
I would be lying if I said we weren’t squiffy.

We had missed most of the gorgeous food, had some burgers flung our way (thought June would shout at us, but she didn’t – phew) & had no choice but to get stuck straight into the dancing. We had neglected to bring glasses too, so had to swig wine straight from the bottles. Classy.

The funniest thing was, everyone else had enjoyed 2 hours of tuition & we just ran onto the floor, twirling, yipping & gyrating. We had not a clue of what we were supposed to be doing but the alcohol meant that we thought we looked the business.

Several people (kindly ladies mostly) would try & shepherd us in the right direction, when they noticed our errors, usually muttering ‘you’re going the WRONG way’ ‘Oh well’ we would respond cheerfully, skipping off, unable to catch each other’s eyes for fear of collapsing completely.

Cocky confided to me that the routines were ‘a lot easier before you lot got here’. She’s probably just being mean.

Weeny continued to impress. If she found herself in the middle of a routine with which she was unfamiliar she would stand on the spot, assume the ‘ho-down’ position, tuck her thumbs into her imaginary braces & ‘yee-ha’ with huge gusto. If she felt especially energetic, the hat would be removed with a theatrical flourish & waved aloft whilst slapping the imaginary neddy to giddy-up.

The thing I love most about my friends is their ability to laugh at themselves & enjoy this kind of event to the hilt. I can’t be doing with precious folk who worry that their make-up might smudge or their Manolos get dirty.

In one of the dances, Weeny was unfortunate enough to have to partner Dave –‘Whoa ya bastard’- Green, or ‘Greeny’ as he is also known on the yard. Weeny & Greeny, ha ha ! Dave is known by his long moniker because it would appear he rides a horse to prove what a man he is. He rides a perfectly pleasant, well-behaved horse, which Dave tries to rev up to make his riding appear more impressive. His party-piece is to enter the local, very low-key jumping competitions. He proceeds to kick his horse on, whilst simultaneously holding him back. Consequently, he arrives at a jump wildly out of control, legs a-flapping, shouting ‘Whoa ya bastard’ Hugely entertaining. Unless you’re the horse.

Dave had been pointed out to Weeny as ‘Someone Worth Avoiding’ but she claims not to remember. Unsurprising really. Turns out Dave dances like he rides, and them some. Weeny’s right upper arm was black with bruises from being ‘swung’. We had the last laugh though as every time Greeny bent down to go ‘under an arch’ a boot seemed to find his ar5e. Oh dear.

All too soon, it was home-time. The return car journey seemed very quick. Probably not to Lorna though. Sorry Lorna. Thank you Lorna. Sorry Lorna.
Angie & Lorna headed off & I was forced by the coven to start lighting a fire from scratch (they made me do it the Tanners). We then drank & talked until bedtime at 0230. With hindsight, it was probably unwise to do one of those.
Oh well.

I won’t bore you with the details of the hangover the next day. Work said I couldn’t have compassionate leave, which seems a little harsh. I hung off the keyboard grimly clock-watching until 10pm.

Girls – 2 things.

June has asked for the full cost of the tickets from each of us. She said she felt awkward in doing so but I told her that it was our own fault for not being able to get our carcasses there on time. The money goes to the Headley Heath Riders Association, I hope you don’t mind ? I have settled up with June for all of us.

She said repeatedly today, what good VFM we were & took great delight in recounting a comment from one elderly chap, who asked her ‘Who - pant - are – pant – all – pant – these – pant – lovely – pant – young – pant – ladies – pant – and – pant - aren’t – pant – they – pant – marvellous – pant - dancers ?’ That’s got to be worth a tenner.


Neddy pestering.

Today was a lovely day. I took the dogs out first thing for a run, with me on a mountain bike. Great fun for half of the distance (downhill), bloody hard slog for the uphill bit, my thighs were screaming for mercy after roughly 28 seconds of concerted effort. I then took Barley Marley to the stables with me. Jasper is banned from accompanying us as he is

1) too unfit & 2) too stupid to do as he’s told.

I rode CB & Hannah & tried to get rid of some off Barley’s surplus fat. She is on a diet. I am determined she will look dog-shaped, not loaf of bread shaped by the time the Davisons return. They do a great job of looking after Barley, for which I am hugely grateful but seem not to notice that she is twice the size she should be.

It was a stunning day today, sunny, about 23 degrees with a light breeze. Headley Heath was draped in a mantle of purple ling & the feeling of being bathed in green fern was a fantastic tonic. My sense of scale seems to be returning & as I looked around today, I repeatedly told myself how lucky I was to be able to ride such lovely horses in such idyllic surroundings.

Palace Road – the new flat.

Yesterday I collected my keys & met my new landlords Claire & Matt. They couldn’t have been nicer & I think I may have really fallen on my feet. I also spoke to Sharon for the 1st time today. She was lovely & extremely easy to chat to. She is very fit & does a lot of training, including bike-riding & ‘paddling’ as she called it. She works at Kew Gardens & I think we are going to get on just fine.

FAQ’s

I have hired another Transit for this Sat 10th, & move my stuff in to Palace Road then. Trudes, Weeny & Cocky, are you all around on Saturday for me to collect my chattels ?

I don’t actually move in until the 22nd July, which is the day the Davisons get back from their month long holiday in NZ.

I will then be walking distance from work & the gym & a 30 minute drive to the stables.

I haven’t decided whether to buy a motorbike again. The new GSX-R 750 is stunning & calls to me.

I hope to get a laptop at the beginning of August.

I am still planning upon returning to NZ.


Right, I am off for a hot shower now, as I can feel myself seizing up. After that, it’s an early night with a hot chocolate & a book.

Yesterday was a very hard day. I asked a question to which I didn’t really want to know the answer. Why do we do that to ourselves ? Back to the wobbly tooth scenario.

Today was the 1st day in 75 that I haven’t felt utterly miserable.
Don’t know why, maybe it was just the exercise endorphins, but whatever it was, it felt better. I haven’t felt like writing because of this malaise, I hope today was a corner turned.

Love to Milky, glad The Tanners are as hospitable as ever.
The cottage & Cedar Lodge will work it’s magic on you, honest.
Sorry you miss your moggy, hopefully Dusty will be happy to be squeezed in lieu.

Bloo – I will be around tomorrow morning before going riding.
If you can bear to miss Home & Away a phone call would be lovely.

Bill – Is it your mobile which is knackered ? E-mailed you yesterday as a tester, let me know if it got to you, if it did, I will send you a catch-up one.

Stu – In amongst the kitchen equipt was a frying pan lid with no frying pan, a bin with no inner & one lone cup. Am I on the Generation Game ? ‘Cuddly toy’

Mum – Will speak to the person you recommended tomorrow morning – thanks.

Harriette – Sorry you had a lousy birthday. I recommend you go to ______’s party & behave like a cow to get even. But don’t tell your Mum & Dad I said so.

Alice – Don’t invite ______ to your party.

MTM – Received. Don’t think this gets you out of owing another 142 though.

Ang – Did you know the spell-check declares you to be an angel ? Aaah

Stan – I thoroughly recommend you come here for green-time, dinner, & a bottle of red. I’ll even let you have a go on the mountain bike if you’re good.
My next days off are 15th/16th July, what are you up to then ? I still need a list of your forthcoming w/e’s off so we can arrange ‘Straight eye for the Queer Guy’

Hx Compulsive, keep it up.


Today’s ‘I don’t recognise the country I live in’ moment came when I heard on the radio, there are moves afoot to pass an amendment to the law making it illegal for parents to slap their own kids. The motion was defeated today, but how long until we are ‘in line with the rest of Europe.’ ?

Some do-gooder lefty was bleating that if the guy sitting next to him in the studio hit him, it would be inappropriate & yet he was allowed to hit his own kid. The response from his neighbour was ‘It would also be inappropriate if I bathed you & changed your nappy but I am able to do that to my baby daughter’. Parents don’t hit their kids for fun (unless you’re really twisted) but because they want them to behave in an appropriate manner because they CARE about them. I can count on 1 hand, the times I was slapped by my parents, yet the fear of it as the ultimate deterrent, made me the well-mannered individual I am today (not counting barn dances).

Get a grip.

Sorry it’s been leviathan, but if anyone’s still with me, well done.

Cx