Toady is a mongral – bitch !

Police stations in the Met have a method of sending non-urgent messages to each other called MSS or Message Switching System. The sort of messages you can expect to receive usually refer to lost property & the like.

Lost & found animals occasionally feature too.

Approximately 6 or 7 years ago, Weeny & I laughed til our guts hurt when I rushed out to the Station Office clutching a missive, which began …

‘Toady is a mongral – bitch.’

I should perhaps explain.

There was no spellcheck on MSS (still isn’t come to that) & if you employ
someone whose grasp of grammer & speeling isn’t great, they can send messages willy-nilly with no idea of the hilarity they are causing the recipients.

This operator (from Southwark as I recall) meant to circulate the following …

‘Today, is a mongrel bitch ….’ and go on to describe the unfortunate lost female dog.

Grammatically not the best arrangement I know, & not nearly as pant-wettingly funny as what he actually sent.

Every now & then, in the subsequent years Weeny & I have greeted each other on the telephone with those words. It never fails to amuse.

Today saw the return of Toady !

I read an incident reporting a theft, by one of my colleagues who must have been in a hurry to record the details (that’s the kind interpretation, because I like him)

As I collapsed, wheezing & breathless at the back of the room, someone asked what was so funny ?

‘Look at incident such & such’ I said, squeezing the words out between asthmatic gasps.

‘I don’t get it’, what’s funny about that ?’, asked my non-plussed colleague, as he read the 1st line of the call …

‘Inft was teacing toady …’

The informant was actually ‘teaching today’ when he discovered that some of his belongings had been stolen at school, but I couldn’t dislodge the really sad image of him pointing his finger, teasing ‘Toady’ & calling her names.

I didn’t bother trying to explain.

I just rang Weeny instead … she got it.



I want to tell you about Dave.

Hx has already met Dave so she can skip this bit, & Bill knows him of old, but the rest of you are missing a treat. Dave is a PC whom I work with in the Control Room. He can be short-tempered (worse so recently, as he’s given up smoking, say no more) but I have to say, regardless of his temper, I have a lot of time for him. His response to most incidents in which someone is rude is ‘Well, I would have told him to f**k right off’. Oddly, when dealing with someone like that himself, he is polite & professional & will invariably address them as ‘Sir’, which I struggle to do (especially if they’re female)

Not only is he a very experienced operator who will quite happily take stick as well as dishes it out, he has the best lexicography of insulting sayings bar none. He puts my Gran to shame. He also has a beautiful Aprilia sportsbike with a deeply offensive, wonderfully noisy exhaust. I can hear when Dave’s arrived at work, even when I am in the building.

He also does the best ‘pissed, falling down stairs’ stunt I have ever seen.

Some of Dave’s more memorables are …

‘If you’re looking for sympathy, you’ll find it in the dictionary between sh1t & syphillis’

It is perhaps unfortunate that he says this to burglary victims. Joke.



‘Everyone has the right to be ugly, but she abuses the privilege’

Ugly bird, say no more.



‘She has a face like a bulldog licking pi55 off a thistle’

As above.


‘They’re meat mate, not crystal’

This is in response to anyone unfortunate enough to ask a particularly stupid question over the p/r eg. ‘Dave, what colour are the suspect’s trousers ?’


‘Here’s 10p mate, go phone someone who gives a sh1t’

This is when you tell Dave something you assume he will be bothered about
Ie ‘Dave, watch your language, the Superintendent is standing behind you’


And the new one today, which got me thinking of this topic in the 1st place,

‘I can’t stand the bitch, I wouldn’t pi55 in her mouth if her gums were on fire’

‘You don’t like her then Dave ?’


You might get the impression from all this that he’s a rude, annoying boor, but as I said earlier I have no problem with him & when he leaves, I will miss his colourful sayings & blue touch paper outbursts. Just one other thing.
He gets a gun in his new job.


You have to pity the poor sod who tries to get to know me.

Not only does he have to fight his way past Internet stalkers & trained assassins but he has to deal with a veritable set of matching Samsonites in the way of baggage.


Cx