‘Criminals are rubbish’

is one of Dominic’s favourite phrases.

You may remember Dominic as the Clark Kent of the law enforcement world. Mild & unassuming by day. Coquettish pole dancer by night.

He’s right though. Most of the people we deal with are not over-endowed on the brains front. Just as well really.

I wanted to tell you about some of the more rubbish ones this week.

First up, 2 numpties who, at 0200, hovered around a cash point for more than 15 minutes, thus piquing the interest of CCTV operatives. When asked to stop by Plod, they did the classic rubbish criminal ‘Who me ?’ gesture, pointing at themselves then decided to run away. They ran in a large rectangle, arriving back were they started until Dominic called over the p/r ‘2 detained’. One against two has never been good odds & the skinnier of the two had broken free & started running again by the time Tom arrived. Undeterred Tom gave hot chase, as far as the memorial gardens, where his suspect appeared to have disappeared into thin air.

Not expecting to be rewarded for his efforts, Tom hoisted the lid of the nearest wheelie bin in desultory fashion. To discover Mr.Skinny Numpty who said ‘I want to see my lawyer’

As Tom relayed the silly sod’s hiding place over the radio it gave Dominic the perfect inner …’Criminals are rubbish’ he said gleefully.

‘Ask him where he’s wheelie bin’ chipped in Andy. How we laughed.

The master criminals were found to be in possession of squillions of naughty phone cards converted to credit cards (I can’t go into details, not because of subjudicy but because I still don’t understand how they did it ?) They also had more money than anyone ever earns by legal means.

2-Nil Old Bill

Next up, our career burglar who was caught in the middle of the night on the property red-handed by the occupier’s son. Burglar makes off. Son fetches dad and the two of them persuade him to return to the scene of his crime whilst phoning Plod. As Plod arrive, he is vehemently denying that he was there, until he drops a packet of biscuits which Dad was eating earlier. He’s also asked to explain how it is that he has Dad’s diary in his back pocket since he has never been in their house. ?

3-Nil Old Bill

The boys in blue have a favourite saying to describe when someone’s driving does not meet the required standard. They say ‘He’s all over the road MP’, ‘MP’ being the callsign for the Ivory Tower dwellers in The Room. I should clarify that it is ‘Em Pee’ and NEVER ‘Metro Papa’ which is odd. I don’t know why, but there you go.

Dominic stopped just such a driver last night. The smell of alcohol which greeted him when he opened the car door confirmed his initial suspicions. It was at this point that things started to get difficult.

‘Anyone on duty able to do sign language ?’ asked Dom plaintively over the radio. Maggie replied there was not. She then went on to suggest helpfully to Dom that he should write down for the profoundly deaf driver how he wanted him to comply with the drink drive procedure ie ‘Blow into this …’

‘I have a slight problem’ came Dom’s reply. ‘He’s dyslexic’ as well.

What are the chances of stopping a drunk, deaf, dyslexic ?

That’s got to be 200 points at least.

We spent the rest of the night asking Dom if he picked the wings off flies. His response was to accuse us all of being left-wing bunny huggers.

Further enquiries revealed our hapless prisoner had taken his sister’s car, which he did not have permission to drive and he only had a licence (look Mummeh) to drive an automatic.

To compound his misery he was twice over the legal limit.

‘Not such a fascist now am I ?’ was Dom’s text message to all 4 of us in the control room when the result came in.

4-Nil Old Bill

I’m kind of sad it’s the last one tonight.

Cx