For the last 15 months I haven’t had a tv license …

I haven’t had a tv either but that hasn’t put the feckwits off at the tv licensing department. On a monthly basis they have written to me threatening visits. My telephoned & written replies inviting them to visit & check on me so they may cease their feeble case of harassment have met with polite confusion.

They persist in referring to me as Miss Green (the previous occupiers girlfriend) despite my telling them repeatedly I am not she.

The letters commenced along the lines of ‘You don’t have a tv licence & we’re gonna send the boys round’ to the more formal & less vague ‘We have now applied to Richmond Magistrates Court for a warrant to search your premises due to your repeated refusal to allow licensing officers access to your premises.’ This is somewhat misleading as despite my repeated invitations they have not once knocked on the door.

The conclusion when it came was thoroughly disappointing.

In my imagination, the man from tv licensing was in his 50’s with Brylcreemed hair, a small moustache & a pinstripe suit. He would be very easy to be unpleasant to. I planned to present him with a dozen or so copies of my letters & demand an explanation for 15 months of irritating correspondence.

In reality she was an attractive lady in her mid 20’s, dressed in original boho chic (not the modern stuff River Island sells to convince you that you look like Sienna) She had a faint but distinct Middle Eastern accent & struck me as a person who was doing the job for a few months to give her extra money.

I thought of Malcolm & Justine & how they delivered census forms, in addition to full-time jobs, before the last census in 2001 (?) to pay for Justine’s neddy. It dawned on me I knew nothing about this person, or about her reasons for doing the job.

All I knew was she was on my doorstep smiling warmly & asking

‘Miss Green ?

‘No’

‘Oh ?’

‘She moved over a year ago, I am Miss Briggsy’

‘Oh – our records show …’
‘I’ve written to you over a dozen times advising you of the change of occupiers’

‘Oh. But you don’t have a tv license do you ?’

‘No’

My calm admission seemed to faze her. I don’t suppose many people give that answer.

‘In that case can I …?’

I cut her short, ‘Would you like to come in & look for the tv ?’

After taking a brief glance in the lounge she thanked me & made to leave.

‘Aren’t you going to check the bedrooms ?’ I asked.

‘We don’t normally …’

I cut her short again,

‘I want you to check every room so that your department never has to contact me again’

Taking her by the elbow I showed her the bedrooms, which she agreed were tv free.

I plan to go to Argos now & buy a 53” wide-screen plasma screen for every room including the bathroom.

Cx