"I am Darth Maul & I have 2 light sabers"

Yesterday, I worked for a couple of hours on the morning & went shopping with Stan in Matamata
to buy some things. For reasons which will become apparent, I cannot disclose
the nature of these things, suffice it to say, there will be at least one very happy
bunny in the Tanner household on the morning of the 25th.

Shopping with Stan is an experience.

Those of you with good memories will remember 'gusset-gate' in Woking when Stan accompanied
me on an underwear shop prior to Zeeland.

No transaction can be made without Stan engaging the assistant in conversation.

Each purchase takes at least 10 minutes.

One lady who told us that she would be with us in 'just a minute' was met with the rejoinder
'Don't toy with my emotions, make it 59 seconds'

In one particularly 'manly' shop, a customer was trying on sunglasses. This guy looked like
he used razor-wire to brush his teeth. As he tried on one pair, Stan informed him, without
invitation that he looked very '70's-retro, very Starsky, or do I mean Hutch ?'

I constantly expect Stan to get the s@*t kicked out of him for commenting so directly on
other people's appearances. However, a strange thing happens & people who look like
they may be in a Black Power gang, turn & look at Stan & obviously decide he is harmless
& reply to his comments & observations.

It happened everywhere we went, from Whitcoulls where he informed the cashier that
Cliff Richard was in league with Beelzebub, to the quaint pressie shop where, after exchanging
life stories with the cashier, she bade him farewell, calling out after him to 'Take care now'.

I wish I could open up to strangers & engage them in conversation as easily.

His piece de resistance was still to come.

I waited at the car for him to make his way down the main street.

As he saw me, he commenced skipping down the road, triumphantly waving a large, red
roll of wrapping paper in both meaty hands.

"I am Darth Maul & I have two light sabers" he intoned in a camp
voice. Many shoppers stopped & stared & this in a country where people routinely shop
barefoot, in shorts & vests.

I had an overwhelming urge to explain that we were friends & not married.

After finishing off at the stud in the afternoon & grabbing 10 minutes kip, we headed to Hamilton
for dinner & a movie. I really wanted to see 'Love Actually' & despite being this interested
(hold your thumb & index finger completely together) Stan agreed to accompany me.

We did a little browsing 1st, then had a very tasty dinner & agreed to meet outside the
cinema 10 minutes after Stan had satisfied his need for an oily (cigarette for my USA readers)
(oily rag, fag, Cockney rhyming slang, still with me ? good)

This was the same cinema that we had bought the tickets at only an hour ago, so when the
digital clock showed 2058 & there was still no sign of Stan, I became a little concerned.
The film was due to start at 2100 & I was conscious of the pitying stares I was attracting
from compassionate Kiwis who knew someone who had been stood up when they saw one.

With seconds to spare the big guy came at a mincing run along the gangway, explaining
that he had been standing outside another cinema. Der.

I enjoyed the film hugely, despite Stans gentle, reverberating snores coming from my left.

The place to my right was occupied by a middle-aged man who was determinedly exploring
the recesses of his drinks container with the edge of his plastic straw. The noise was not
unlike a rhino scraping his horn, gently but determinedly up & down a blackboard.

I began at the lower end of the scale by shooting him what I imagined were pointed but
polite looks. He scratched away, resolute & oblivious.

Towards the end of the film I longed to snatch the drinks container from his hand & crumple
it up whilst shouting 'Die Kiwi drink-scraping fiend'

Stan says he enjoyed the film but I don't know how when he watched it through his eyelids.

I found it very, very touching & predict it will be a perennial Christmas classic.

Bill Nighy steals the movie & turns in a toe-curling performance as an ageing rock-star staging
a comeback. Look out for the Ant & Dec scene.

If the name is not familiar, it's the same guy who was the sleazy politician in the most recent
'Auf Wiedersehen Pet'. This man could lecture in sleaze. Very funny.

Very late night, fell asleep on the sofa, to be woken at 0200 by Stan reading snippets of Blog
to me.

Today has been a lovely, lazy day & I really needed it. Wrapped some pressies, wrote last-
minute cards for work chums. Michelle redecorated the tree which fell down after she so
tastefully decorated it yesterday. With incredible tact & diplomacy, she kept the kids away
from it during the decorating process & the end result is a beautiful white & silver tree.

Foty to follow.

Christmas is here, now we have a tree.

Spoke to Mummie for at least 2 hours this morning.

She got back home on Friday & apart from being exhausted is thrilled to be home.

I won't bore you with the details, but there has been a rift in the family which appears
to be diminishing since Mum's op. The phone call was the best Xmas present I could
have asked for (apart from a tractor).

I am hugely relieved to know that Mum has family contact over Xmas & I feel I
can now relax a little & start to enjoy things here.

The biggest treat will be a WHOLE three days of not rising at 0530.

I plan to eat, drink & be merry as well as obviously thinking long & hard about the
day Jesu was born.

Goldfinch mummy has ejected a baby from the nest. Found it on the handrail of the
deck yesterday morning. Have informed social services, they need proof positive
the baby was alive when ejected or they can't touch the mum. Bloody social workers.

Michelle has just sliced the top of her thumb on the hob whilst
making lemon curd. I am ashamed to say I ignored her scream of agony. This is not
as heartless as it may first seem but only because Michelle is very expressive when
it comes to shrieks of despair & gloom.

An expulsion of noise, the volume of which will start all the dogs in the valley howling,
will result in all the occupants of the house, converging on the kitchen expecting to
see pumping arterial blood.

Enquiries will be made of Michelle concerning her health & she will then calmly explain
that the noise was because she has run out of caster sugar.

Spoke with Mx today. Instant rapport. Like her. Like the sexy voice too, which
she assured me was due to phlegm.

Stan rang Mx at 2300 UK time & announced in a booming voice

'Hello from Zeeland, it's ohmyGod time over there'

His next sentence was somewhat quieter,

'Oh hello, is Michelle there please - no ? Sorry wrong number'

Oh - how we laughed.

I also have v. funny news concerning Alice, but can't disclose it on this forum just
yet, until we have told Eric & Michelle, you'll understand why when I tell you later.

That's it for now, take care, enjoy the run up to 'when Jesu was born'

Cx