Myopic gerbil

I wanted to tell you about the visit Kylie & I paid to the cinema last week.

It was quite an experience.

We were too late to catch the 1820 showing at Hamilton & so headed out to
Te Awamutu (Tee-ar-wa-moo-too) to see it at 2020.

We had decided to eat at the local Indian restaurant (only 100 yards from
this cinema) prior to watching the film.

We arrived in Te Awamutu with 30 minutes to spare. A telephone conversation
with Bill en route, convinced me we should buy our tickets before eating, in
case the cinema was busy.

As we reached the double doors to the cinema, we espied a hand-written note,
stuck to the door advising us to 'Use Other Door', with an arrow indicating to the
right. We duly walked up the main street, looking for another door. At the point
where one building stopped & another began, we realised we had maybe walked
too far.

Retracing our steps, we arrived back at the double doors. It was at this point
we simultaneously realised our mistake & pushed open the right hand door
of the pair of doors. Der.

Once inside, an elderly chap sold us our tickets & we made our way to the wine
bar he had recommended for something to eat. It was apparent from the
huge number of people waiting for food that we would not be served in
our remaining 20 minutes.

It was with 15 minutes to spare that we hurried into the Indian & asked if they
could serve us within that time, as we were due to see a film. Somewhat
bemusedly, they set about preparing our meal.

It was put in front of us with exactly 5 minutes to go beofre the film started.

We had to eat with 2 hands permanently moving & Kylie got the giggles
as I kept urging her to 'chew faster' & threatening to take her plate away.
With apologies to the staff for treating their food as if it was a Big Mac,
we rushed to the cinema.

The same chap who had sold us our tickets was now sweeping the pavement
outside. He then ducked into the kiosk & sold us our ice-cream & popcorn.
His next job was to usher us to our seats with the other 4 people to see the film.

Things were as expected until half way through the movie. At this point, the lights
came up & a red & yellow sign announced that it was the Intermission.
The last time there was one of those was when I was about 10 & I saw
'Lady & the Tramp' at Yeadon. (I cried)

Kylie offered to go & get drinks saying that as soon as her

'...backside left the seat, the film was sure to start again'

It did.

She made her way down to the front of the auditorium, with all 5 of us
watching her. It was at the curtain on front of the door that things got
difficult. Firstly, she tried to find the edge of the curtain by pulling her
right hand vaguely at chest height from right to left.

Having been unsuccessful, she decided the elusive opening would be
more easily located by emplyoying her hands above head height along the
top of the curtain in a ruffling motion. She looked like a midget harp player.
At this point it became obvious that all 5 of us were disregarding the film
as the lady to my rear called out

'What's the matter - can't you get out ?'

Kylie looked, shamefacedly, over her left shoulder, whilst still
employing her hands in the manner previously described, now
resembling a myopic gerbil.

If any of you have kept gerbils, just think of the way they scrabble at the
glass of their cages, whilst standing on their hind legs. That's Kylie, that is.

Kylie confessed that she couldn't get out & the woman advised her to pull
the curtain away from the door & walk through it. I was snuffling & snotting
into my popcorn by now, as it's usually me making the plum of myself.

I was still giggling as she returned, but I should have known better.

Towards the end of the film, I heard my phone drop to the floor. Not wanting
to distract my 5 neighbours from the film, I decided to pick it up at the end.
At the credits, nobody moved & so I surreptitiously got to my hands &
knees to ferret around for it.

'What are you doing ?' asked Kylie in a stage whisper.

'Looking for my phone' I replied.

She promptly kicked over the popcorn as she stooped to assist.

Some 2 minutes after the final credits had rolled, none of the other 4
viewers had moved. I realised they were obviously watching Kylie & I,
snuffling around on the floor, crunching through popcorn like a pair of
small, hunched moles looking for worms.

'What are you doing ?' called the young man, who so far, had not spoken.

'Looking for my phone' I replied, still, incongruously, whispering.

'We thought you were both hiding' he said 'to see the film again for free'
before coming, with the other couple to assist in the search.

As I type this, it's not nearly as amusing as it was at the time, but I love
this country for the fact that 4 complete strangers will help you search for
your lost property. The phone was eventually located, jammed between two
arms of adjacent seats by the husband of the lady who had guided Kylie
beyond the confusion that was the velvet curtain.

Outside on the pavement we were weak with laughter & promised to do it
again soon. I am enjoying Kylie's company hugley & as much as I adored
Mal, it is nice to have a friend, my own age & gender.

She would slot quite easily into the Coven, she gets the humour & we
only have to look at each other to get the giggles. Her guaranteed method
for setting me off is to stand outside a stall watching me with a truculent horse.
She will remain, unannounced, until I let rip a particularly ripe volley of insults
towards said neddy.

"Like your work" she will say, before sauntering off, leaving me laughing helplessly.


Stan, I look forward to you meeting her, she has been warned.

Must disappear to Bedfordshire now, 0615 start in the morning & I
still have to prepare my lunch.

The Tanners ate no.47's heart this evening.
I passed & had corned beef hash.
Harriette called me a wuss.
I am quite happy to agree with her.

Ma & Pa Smith, I passed on your recommendations re;home-culling.

The address for the hospital is

Bradford Royal Infirmary
Duckworth Lane
Bradford
West Yorkshire
BD9 6RJ

A card is a lovely idea, the more the merrier.

Stan,
9 sleeps to go, you must be driving everyone potty !
Poor Col & Andy.

Justine & Malc,
I finally read both your e-mails together yesterday.
For some reason, they were both at the beginning of the Inbox
filed along with March of this year.
If you haven't found out already, the stud is just outside Cambridge
between Leamington & Karapiro. I would love to meet up.
Perhaps you would like a nosey round the stud ?
Will e-mail you properly soon.

Stu,
Have probably been blocking the landline by being on-line.
Have you got your pooter yet ?
Will be free for a chat between 0530 & 0600, whilst en route
to work, which will be between 1630 & 1700 for you.

Hello to all the girls.

Mum
Hope the moggies are looking after you ?
If not - threaten them with the grapefruit helmets.
Big Hug.

Cx

ps. No Blog tomorrow, will be out straight after work.

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