The reason the Tanners are being so lovely can be explained in 4 words
Pate de Fois Gras
They are the residents of Royston Vasey & I have unwittingly stumbled into a grim & macabre plot to fatten & consume visitors.
Alarm bells should really have rung as soon as Eric told me he used to be a butcher's assistant.
'A pound an' 'alf of special is it today Mrs Tanner ?'
For any of you not familiar with the practice I will explain.
The French (no surprises there) began this practice.
Goose-liver is considered a great delicacy when processed into pate & to make the liver more fatty the goose has it's gullet forced open & grain poured directly into it's stomach, thus bypassing the need for the goose to be hungry before it will eat.
The Tanners are following the same process, albeit more subtly.
When I arrived I had, for the 1st time since I can remember (probably 1995 if I'm honest) a flat stomach & could see my feet unimpeded in the shower. I am now back to that 3-months pregnant look & I blame the Tanners & mostly Michelle.
You might be saying, why not just eat less but how would you manage when every time you look around the kitchen table is buckling under the weight of the freshly-baked goodies ? I feel like I am on the set of 'The Darling Buds'
For example, yesterday it rained all day. Michelle made lemon-curd, a beef curry, Indian pea-soup & gingerbread. This was on top of the pumpkin soup I made for lunch. I made enough for 6 & between 3 of us we finished it all.
As I sat down to the curry at dinner-time my gut was still distended from the soup at lunchtime. It's still uncomfortably tight now & yet I can just hear, through the Tupperware container the gingerbread breathily calling my name.
Oh yes & get this. Michelle said the gingerbread tastes better after 3 days. As if.
The baking isn't even a one-off. On Sunday she baked double-chocolate muffins, macaroons & flapjack ostensibly to go in the girls lunch-boxes I know, but if that's the case, why does she leave the box within my grasp ? (with the aid of a ladder)
It's raining again today & yet I know I must manoeuvre my huge bulk outside & waddle around & do something to burn off the 6,846 calories I consumed yesterday.
This is starting to sound horribly Bridget Jones
Fires started this wk = 0
Employers I haven't got on with = 1
Horses that have killed me = 0
Glasses of red wine = 5 (they are big ones though)
My good news is that I have finally worked out how to e-mail Blog pics to Q.
If you have been reading recently, may I humbly recommend you go back to my last day at Marfell Downs & see some 'up to the elbow action' unless you are of a timid disposition or are eating.
My other piece of news concerns my baby, the Blade. Rumour has reached me that the pansy who dropped it on a country bend has now given up biking for good & has sold her one to someone who owns a pair. (testes that is) He has also stopped wearing suits to work & can now be seen about town in a rather fetching frilly pink dress.
I am currently awaiting an update on who owns my pride & joy now.
On that biker note Bill is now enjoying a posting at Auckland Central Traffic. He was in the process of applying for their motorways unit when a skipper who overheard him talking about it on the phone poached him. He still works from Auckland but now does b***er all & drives flash, properly maintained vehicles.
The only difference from UK traffpol as far as we can work out is that over here traffpol are called 'snakes' rather than 'rats'.
I looked on a site yesterday which gave you your biker name (are you able to put the link in here Q ?)
Mine is 'Bitch of the Dirty Drunkards' which I think has quite a nice S&M ring to it.
Bill's is 'Greasy Bill of the Satan's Barbers'
Eric's is 'Sheriff of the White Werewolves' (quite apt, ex Plod)
& Michelle's is Momma of the Spirit Stalkers.
Hours of fun for all the family.
Must go now, developing bed sores from this excess weight, just one quick welcome to a new Blogger.
Hello Mud - if you've stuck with it this far you will see why my e-mails have been sparse lately. You are probably a bit behind with the Trumpton jokes too, but feel free to get stuck in. Everyone else has.
ps. Mud was the 1st person to notice that my texts to UK arrive a day after the one you lot are on thanks to the time-difference. He has asked me to send him the Lottery numbers from Saturday back home to him on Friday. Eminently sensible I thought. As long as we go 50% on the winnings then I can move all my chums out here & buy my own neddy.
Take care you lot,
Cx
stand by for foties in the next couple of days.
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