Thin n' crispy or deep pan ?

I have given lots of my friends something to laugh about recently.

Which is nice.

Every time they see me get on my mean mother of a scooter, the topic of pizzas seems to be to the fore.

The crazy Russian lady whose horse I sometimes ride even went so far as to sing 'Sexy, everything about you is so sexy' which I think was sarcasm as at the time she was serenading me I was a sweaty, dishevelled heap, having tried for 10 minutes or more to kickstart the poxy thing into life.

So, why am I riding a scooter, I hear you asking ?

My commute to Kingston from Upper Norwood is 33 miles, which wouldn't be too bad, but there is no direct route. Every journey includes a myriad of traffic lights, major junctions & suicidal pedestrians (bit like my journey to Karapiro eh Michelle ?).

The time I travel is a factor too. Getting in for 6am is a doddle, but when they release us at 4pm, it takes anything up to 2 hours to get home. So when Andy, who I work with, said he was going to Cyprus for the month & did I want his scooter, I leapt at the chance.

My 2 hour journey has been slashed to 30 minutes - result.

On the plus side, the scooter is fairly lively, can be parked anywhere & is the best handling bike I have ever ridden, bar none. It takes £4.50 in fuel to fill it up, although admittedly, it only does 100 miles on that tankful, so I do seem to live at fuel stations.

The only minus point is, I look like a nob.

It's ok, I know it. I think the problem is, I wear the same gear that I did for my 'proper' bikes ie. a decent lid, leather trousers, leather gloves, alpinestar boots & a kevlar jacket. What I should of course be wearing is a £10 lid perched on the back of my head, a t-shirt & cut off jeans.

The good news is, I am starting to get the behaviour of a scooter rider just right. I disregard red lights, rev the bike needlessly in quiet residential streets at midnight & am cultivating a 'what you lookin' at ?' stare. Excellent.

I always wondered why scooter/moped riders rode hell for leather with that desperate crouched posture, manic stare & flopping appendages. I now know it's because you have to. Pulling away from the lights on a decent sportsbike is a fine balance of throttle & clutch to prevent dumping yourself on your ar5e.

On the scooter, I have to twist the grip 3/4's of the way around before any forward movement commences. To ensure I beat the cars away & don't get caught in an F1 bottleneck at Purley Cross, it's almost a full revolution.

Andy rang from Cyprus on day 2 of his holiday

'How's the bike going ?' he asked.

'Great' I told him & went onto say I had used it every day since he had given it to me.

'I want it back when I come back you know'

The barn dance looks iffy. Work have said I can't have the day off, as it leaves us without a Controller. However, all is not lost, I have sent a grovelling e-mail to my colleagues asking if anyone can cover. Watch this space.

Work was uncomfortably hot yesterday & I really pitied the poor sods who had to drive in cars in synthetic uniforms & body armour. If I had a pound for every time someone came in to the air-conditioned Control Room & said 'Ooh, isn'tit lovely & cool in here' I would have 6 pounds.

When a police car has a fault, the driver who finds the fault has to write what the fault is & report it to our contractors to have the vehicle fixed. The process is known as 54ing a car. I assume it's because it used to be recorded in the Bk 54 but await correction if anyone knows otherwise.

I passed a car, in the back yard the other day which made me lol, although I stopped short of rotflmao & pmp. Vinny, one of our Pc's had written in a firm hand that the car was '54'd' because it was 'buggered'. I wonder what the good folks at Vensons made of that mechanical diagnosis ?

I am trying to do this Blog entry in Word as the Norton thingies send me into a frenzy. It can take me 30 odd minutes just to read 1 page of Blog, let alone posting. Very aaaarghhh.

The Tanners

I am writing what I would normally put on comments or e-mail here because

a) sending you texts is a bit hit & miss cos you check your mobile as often as you check your ansaphone messages. ie not very.

b) Being on-line is such a hit & miss experience that I can't guarantee my e-mail reaching you.

Please offer my congrats to Richard & Robin, I am thrilled for them & can't wait to look around when I visit in November. I can just imagine how excited Eric must have been looking around a whole facility dedicated to his porcine friends. (Is your bacon a welcome change from beef ?) I would love to be their farm worker & obviously whoever is doing the job once I get out there, will have to be booted off the farm in my stead.

The Tatler continues to be a great read & I am immensely frustrated when my reading is interrupted by a neurotic pooter which repeatedly asks 'Have you checked your Norton anti-virus ?' Sod off.

I now know the date of H's bday. When's Alice's pls ? Which is what I sent on text last night, when you finally look at your fone. Sounds like I need one of those bday reminder things, where did you find yours Michelle, was it Stin ?

Could you send me details of your UK bank account & if it suits, I will pay the money for the Safari into there ? If you would prefer it to go directly into your NZ a/c, then send me those. I seem to remember it was $400, is that right ?

The visit you asked about Michelle, is tomorrow, will update you afterwards. Situation remains the same.

I am early turn this w/e & would love to speak to you (if you still get the $8 thing ?) I should be on Trudy's landline, (will text you the number) both evenings (ie your mornings) Maybe you could ring me from your Sunday morning lie-in instead of breaking up the by now traditional fight between Eric & Harriette ?

I thought of you over the weekend, Michelle, when listening to Tracey Chapman. I remembered how you coaxed your Cd player into playing her, whilst the rest of us flopped around exhausted, having consumed another Tanner feast. I miss those evenings. I miss the kids too (read that bit quietly so the evil one doesn't hear)

Time to try & post this now

Love to all at Cedar Lodge.

Cx