'Your Blog is s*** these days.'

I am of course, paraphrasing, but that's what I've been told by someone recently. No names, no pack drill, but he's large & enjoys the work of Greta Garbo. When I challenged him, he said that a.n.other person agreed with him. Again, no names will be mentioned but when this small, chocolate lover was put on the spot, last Saturday, he denied strenuously that he had said it was 's***t'

The large person went on to row for shore by saying that my writing about the year in NZ, stood up on it's own & my morose ramblings since returning to this sceptred isle were detracting from it. In the words of Neil, they were 'bringing it down, man'.

What he didn't know (because only weak humans agree) & will only know just now when reading this, is that I had thought it myself. During our 'Two-in-a-tent-tour' Bloo & I had discussed what appeal there would be, if any, for people, in reading a UK based blog with no pictures of mountains, neddies or farriers. You only have to look at Coffee Waffle to know what I mean. In the same way that Di has to know if she should be in kitten heels or jandals this week, I have to know what aspect of natural life has caught Murray's talented eye.

I told Bloo that upon my return, I would monitor the hits to Q4A for a couple of months & if they dropped off significantly, I would carry on writing for my own relief, but make it a non-public Blog. That hasn't happened but now I have to do a difficult thing.

I have to end Q4A & start a new Blog. It will be hard to do because I feel very attached to it & letting it go feels like I'm losing a link with NZ. I watched a really good interview with Paxo & J.K.Thingy who wrote that godawful stuff. She admitted that she found it really hard to end the series & that she felt bereft afterwards.

I can identify with that, which is why I'm asking for help from you lot. There are some really good brains out there & although you failed dismally with kitty-naming & The Tanners still plumped for 'Dusty' despite some very good suggestions (it's stil not too late to go for canape, btw) I am asking you to suggest new names for a new Blog.

So, here's the brief. You know me by now, what I like & what I don't. The title needs to encapsulate the following, 'I was in NZ, I came back to the UK, I'm trying to get back to NZ' if you can squeeze in humour, neddies & a good-looking film-star, so much the better. If not, something pithy, & 3 words seems appealing, although I don't know why cos 'odd numbers are baaaad & even are gooood' aren't they Bloo ? The title should not include the following words 'Blog/diary/journal/reflections' because, well you know why.

Failing all that, the Big Guy suggested I should just name it 'S*** Blog' which has a certain ring to it. Sorry. Another red card. Must be all the football.

Speaking of which, Bloo, you will be wondering what it's like to be here during Euro 2004. Bloody awful. Everyone's eulogising about the weasel-featured midget that is Wayne Rooney. The British media are doing their normal thing of building him up with pathetic red-top headlines like 'Roonaldo'. Today, I heard him compared to Pele, which is only excusable when you know that the person being interviewed was his pub-owning uncle. No doubt the Press will be just as quick to leap on him when he's found face-down in his own vomit after a good ol' ruck leaving a night-club.

You might ask how I know that he will be involved in a fight leaving a nightclub ?

1) He's a British footballer & therefore of limited intelligence.

2) He's a scouser.

QED.

Oh, & get this, whilst I'm on a roll. I have just heard RoSPA on Radio 4, telling people, especially 'the very young, or infirm' not to mimic his celebratory cartwheels. If someone was infirm & did do a cartwheel, wouldn't you be really pleased for them ?

This sodding country etc etc etc

I'm having an identity crisis at the moment, I couldn't care less about losing the rugby, not losing the football (so far) or whatever happened with the cricket. I was even unfazed when we snatched defeat from the jaws of victory in time-honoured fashion from the French. I'm assuming I'll feel English again in time. Probably when I move to NZ.

On which note, someone with good observation skills recently asked me if I was feeling better since returning. They said that Blog seemed to be 'me' rather than me writing pretending to be ok. The truth is, I am gritting my teeth & getting on with things. I could wallow in being unhappy, but I prefer to deal with it aggressively (I'm from Yorkshire you know) so here's what I do.

When, I'm on the scooter, inhaling carbon monoxide & being cut up & squashed by car transporter trucks, I smile inwardly.

When I stop hurriedly at a pedestrian crossing & let across someone who gives me the evil eye for daring to be on the road, I let it go.

When I pass the the sad grey types in that most unlovely of towns ; Croydon, I feel sorry for them. Not because their idea of daring is to team a purple tie with a pink shirt and worse still to walk along with their tie over their left shoulder because their schedule doesn't allow them the time to look down & straighten it. I feel sorry for them because they don't know what it is that they tolerate every day.

What I do, with all these situations is to think 'Bring it on, I can cope, because I know what it is I want, & where it is. All else is temporary.' I also read that if you smile, even if you don't really want to, your face is fooled & your body releases the smiley, feel-good things. I also have one of those faces that looks like a spanked ar5e if I'm not smiling.

Don't know if you lot heard about the 'body in the freezer' thing recently which Kingston Police have been dealing with ? I was on the night it came in. Luckily for me, it came in at 2209 & I had handed over at 2200. I've just heard he's been nicked at Heathrow.

Are you back yet Bill ? Sounds like you had a wonderful time.
Is it all stored on the hard-drive to counter the A217 ?

Enough for now, time for a bath (without mobile phone) & the 1830 weekday Radio 4 comedy.

3 nights to go. Lovely to have you back last night Col.

Cx

STOP PRESS THE TANNERS ! MY LEAVE HAS BEEN APPROVED. I AM OFF FROM THE 15TH NOV (AFTER OBA WEEKEND) TO THE 9TH DEC. JUST HAVE TO BOOK A FLIGHT NOW.