Breathing underwater.

Listen up, question time.

How many of you have been in a lop-sided relationship ?

Needing more than you are needed. Caring more than you are cared for.

Hmm – I see a fair sprinkling of hands.

Sucks doesn’t it.

So we play the ‘backing-off game’. He’s/she’s not as interested in me, so I’ll keep my distance & be a woman/man of allure & he/she will want me more. Bullsh1t isn’t it ?

You may be wondering where I’m going with this ?

Well, for me it’s about New Zealand. When I left in April I felt physically bereft, I’m sure many of you got very bored of hearing about it. Most of you were wonderful, one person surprised me with a ‘pull yourself together’ lecture but then wouldn’t life be dull if everyone said what we wanted to hear all the time ? No, it would be great.

When I left it was with a huge collection of books, photos, keepsakes & curios.

I rationed myself to 3 special reminders which I keep on the back of my bedroom door.
The first 2 are keyrings, a cuddly Kiwi, bought as a keep-safe pressie for me, a cuddly sheep sent as a ‘cheer-up, not all Kiwi women are crazy bitches’ pressie & the green & gold sales disc for my filly ‘What Can I Say’ from Trelawney. Her number was 308.

I told myself that any more than these & my bedroom could begin to resemble a shrine to all things Kiwiana.

I backed off from NZ to lessen the pain at being away. I learned to tell half-truths when people asked if I had settled back into life in the UK. This has changed in the last week though. For the 2 days after Old Boys I immersed myself in all my memories, preparing for returning. My imminent arrival made them pleasant rather than bitter-sweet.

I took a long, slow wander around the farm this afternoon accompanied by Rust & Inca. They are terrific fun together & Rust has done Inca a power of good. He has muscled up nicely & shaken off the slightly stodgy attitude he had. He now relishes being top dog but the play between him & Rust is very good-humoured.

After checking the boundaries I sat & contemplated the sheep in the front paddock.
I noticed that one particularly clueless individual had decided the best way to get a drink of water was to climb into the trough. In the time honoured sheepy way, she could get in, but not out. It’s not easy to pull a sodden, panicking, animated fleece out of a trough & after I’d done it I was soaking wet & covered in excrement (or thesis for anyone reading this on D team !)
I have to say, it felt great, I miss being able to be plastered in cack on a daily basis, there’s not much scope for it in the Cad Room. I do remember though, being thrilled to dress like a gurl after my year away so perhaps you just want what you can’t have.

I’ve wandered off the point somewhat. I was thinking, as I watched the woolly-heads today & soaked up the sheer joie de vivre that Nature has to offer, was that for me, living in the UK has been akin to an air-breathing mammal trying to breathe under-water.


Ramifications & changes


I read your Blog today Bloo, you asked if people think of the ramifications of life after marriage beyond having a ‘nice day’ ? I think they do, I would certainly like to hope so. I think it’s more that humans are such fickle, complex creatures who undergo a process of change every day of their lives.

The lucky ones grow & change together, accommodating new things and enjoying each other.

We all know what happens to the unlucky ones.

One of the most romantic things I ever heard someone say was that he & his wife had a disagreement once & they didn’t like it, so they decided not to have any more. Would that we could all be as wise.

I’ve just re-read this, it’s verging on Hallmark cards stuff, but in the spirit of honesty, I’m not going to change it. I’ve just finished a run, so I blame the endorphins.

To the person who asked if I still had the text from my perfect day, I found it today when I swapped from my UK sim card to my NZ one.

It reads

‘Fantastic day, best yet. High on life, beauty & speed.
Could depart life now, utterly content’

Cx

Ps. I was going to talk about Eric returning today, but I suspect Michelle will have done that, see ‘www.wasamata.blogspot.com’ for life at Cedar Lodge if you haven’t already.

So I’ll say goodnight as I head off for a shower, talking book and the sandman.