‘…and did it Myyyyy Waaaaaay’

It’s taken until today for me to face writing abut Friday.

My back is sore from beating myself with birch branches.



Why ?

I had the shakes for 2 whole days.

Here are the facts.

Some, I remember.

Some, have been recounted to me by others.

They are not all the facts, it’s not that kind of Blog.

If it were, I would have loads more readers.

I was ready to let my hair down this year, having endured a terminally dull Christmas party at Trelawney last year.

Andy & I started on the wine at 4pm.

I had decided I needed at least 2 drinks prior to getting into my dress.

I carried on with wine during dinner.



And this is only dinner time. Poor Andy.

I drank a lot of wine because the food was painfully slow to arrive.



Remember I told you about Dave (aka Derv) who says 'I wouldn't pi55 on her gums if her mouth was on fire. This is Derv. I have no idea why we are finding this so funny.

After dinner I switched to vodka.

I don’t drink lots if the music’s good, because I can’t drink & dance.

The music was dreadful.



Put him down Briggsy !

I informed the wife of a very good friend that she had such an impressive cleavage that I could ‘park a motorbike in there’. I’m told she spent the rest of the evening trying to cover it up.

At the end of the night, we wandered around Brighton trying to be admitted to various clubs. We failed.

I invited everyone to the room Stan & I were sharing which was huge and very sumptuous. By now it must have been 0200.

One of those to come to the room was Dominic. Dominic had been bought a bottle of Jack Daniels as his secret Santa present. It was at this point things got ugly.

I remember wrestling Dominic for the JD, winning & downing large portions of it direct from the bottle.



My bedside table. Don't know how the Sprite got there ?

I don’t even like the stuff & have never drunk it as the smell turns my stomach.

Some time later I rolled off the bed I was drinking on, cracking my head on the bedside table. I had to be picked off the floor.

Stan decided it was my bedtime & ordered me to the bathroom to change into my jammies. It was 0400.

I couldn’t walk there & was carried. In a very short dress. Thank God for sensible pants.

Once in the bathroom, I couldn’t work out why my underwear was putting up such a struggle, then realised I hadn’t removed my shoes.

The prolonged crash from the bathroom as I succumbed to gravity brought the question ‘Are you alright ?’

‘I’m ok’ I cheerfully informed everyone ‘Just taking my knickers off’

The next bit comes from Milky

‘You then meandered past everyone in your pj’s & collapsed, the wrong way, onto your bed, without pulling back the duvet & immediately fell asleep’



'The Milky Bar Kid is strong & tough'. He's also qute possibly one of the funniest people I've ever had the good fortune to work with. He also displays sound judgement. Unlike me.

My two favourite quotes from the evening come from Stan & Dominic.

Stan had to buy Keith’s secret Santa gift. He asked me for advice. I told him Keith is always bemoaning the fact that he has no cheese-grater & that he also loves to label things. So ; either a cheese-grater or a label-maker.

Stan turned up at the hotel room, fresh from a long, liquid lunch with Dukies in London. I asked if he’d remembered Keith’s gift ? ‘Yes – look’ he replied, brandishing aloft a cuddly teddy bear. ‘Stan, I told you a cheese-grater or a label-maker, why did you buy a bear ?’

‘Cos I’m pi55ed’ came the cheerful reply, before he tripped over the hidden step & dived onto the bed,



rolling about clutching a faux fur bolster, declaring it very ‘him’.



The second quote was from Dominic who has been working apart from the team for the last few weeks. Julie, who organised the party, has sent numerous e-mails to everyone (including Dominic) always including the day, date, venue & time for the party. We were invited to meet at 1900 to sit down for 1930. At 2000, Dominic, who had still to arrive, sent the following text message to several team members

‘What’s the venue for the Christmas do ?’

The next morning was a flurry of the shakes & abusive phone calls.
Stan called everyone he knew to have a laugh at my expense, Bill was 1st on the list. Bridget, you were in Tauranga, which saved me from someone else laughing at me.



One for you Mr Tanner. The secretive peni5 in his disco garb.

Stan gave me 2 bollockings for licentious & unbecoming behaviour.
Guilty on both counts. It’s a fair cop.



Sorry Murray, yet another gurning Stan, I've asked him to do natural, it just isn't happening.


We wandered into Brighton to find unnecessary carbohydrates. My most testing part of the day was watching Tony & Stan rounding off a cooked breakfast. My shaking hands were clutching toast. Andy didn’t need breakfast, he’d made it down in time for his hotel breakfast which in my opinion shows he just wasn’t trying hard enough the night before.



Why Tony, why ?



And Andy was in the best shape of all of us.



The 4th Beatle



This would be really funny had we found it on Henry, it's only slightly less funny that Stan put it there

We wandered around some more, absorbing fresh air & fielding abusive calls from Bloo & Hx who were watching Spurs-v-Southampton. I was supposed to have been at the game, thank goodness I’d cancelled. Even over a phone line, the noise made me want to weep.

Some hours later we set off home. The best part of the day was when we decided to sing carols on the way up the A23. Andy provided the backing music from his phone, Tony didn’t really enter into the Christmas spirit as he was writing ‘Help – I’ve been kidnapped’ in the condensation in Henry, but Stan & I got stuck into all the seasonal classics. We sang ‘God rest ye merry gentlemen, Silent Night, Away in a Manger & lots of others as well.

The nice thing about a bollocking from Stan is it’s like one of those electric dog collars, short, sharp & over with. He didn’t dwell upon it, despite letting me know in no uncertain terms that he was deeply disappointed in me.

It’s some testament to our friendship that he can let me know I am the spawn of the devil at the beginning of one day, then ring me laughing so hard that he can’t speak, at the beginning of the next. What was he laughing at ? The ‘conversation’ between Murray & I on my Saturday morning blog comments about Stan’s lost camera (it’s not).

‘Regrets, I’ve had a few, but then again …’



The reason I was in no position to complain about being the object of scorn for the last 48 hours is partly because I deserved it but mostly because I consider everyone who’s got stuck in, as a friend.

My favourite gems have been the following …

Bill ; What you did is part of living life for now & anyway 24 hours after a
Christmas do, everything you did is null & void.

Angie ; Oh well, it is Christmas.

Milky ; You say ‘lust-fuelled stunt-woman’ like it’s a bad thing.
My advice on how to live your life is ‘Nothing I can do about it now’
which seems to pi55 off those around me, but works.

Hx ; Can I be a bridesmaid ? And can we have a Little Bo Peep theme ?

Bridget ; You go girl.

Bloo ; Tomorrow’s chip-paper.

Trudy ; Ha ha ha !

Weeny ; ** censored **


So, in summing up, the carefully cultivated air of professional dignity I have been preserving at work, has been blown in one drunken, rowdy evening. I have apologised to the person whose wife’s cleavage I commented on. I haven’t had a reply yet. I am prepared to make another apology on Thursday when I next have to go to work.

Murray – Remember when we talked about the kind of people who make you leave work socials ? I was that person.

Next year I will be teetotal & wearing a burkha.

On the plus side ? My secret santa gift was a JCB digger. It has a grader as well as a digger attachment :) It’s the only secret santa gift I’ve ever wanted to keep.


Cx