This is completely unedited
Favourite colour: Black
Favourite movie: Very, very difficult. And I can't bring it down to one. If I'm really pushed I would have to say the Star Wars saga. All of them. And yes, I am very excited about Episode III.
Favourite animal: Yoda the dog. We adopted her in Bosnia. She had little pointy ears - hence Yoda. I'd never thought before that war could be pretty upsetting for animals - but she definitely suffered from shellshock. For a long time, food was scarce, so one of the first things that stopped happening was feeding pets and non-eatable animals. Although the definition of non-eatable was pretty flexible after a while. Anyway, Yoda turned up at our house one day, crying and whimpering. My Dutch colleague, who had a kinder soul than me, brought out some American MREs, (Meals Ready to Eat - also known as Meals Rejected by Ethiopians - they are foul). Yoda loved them. Although, she wouldn't go near John or any of us for some time. John would put the food out, and she would come and eat after we'd left. (I think she'd been kicked off a few doorsteps during her time as a homeless lowlife). After a while, we built her a kennel at the side of the house and filled it with blankets and toys, (I cannot describe how cold Balkan winters can be). As aminals do, she grew to trust us, and after we got her to play, she was even bold enough to come inside the house. She would sit and watch videos with us in the evening. I actually became very attached to her, and I'm not really an aminal lover - quite like dogs and cats but could never get excited about fish or gerbils or rabbits if you know what I mean.
Every morning, about four or five of us would get in the cars and bugger off for the day. Yoda would run along the road after us, barking and jumping and generally being enthusiastic. (There were always two guys left behind in the house to guard it. They looked after her during the day). When we returned in the evening, or sometimes much later to be honest, she was always there, jumping up at us and making happy noises. I don't know, because I know sod all about aminals, but on the days when we thought things might be a bit hairy, I think she sensed it in the morning when we drove off, and there was a difference in her greeting when we returned, much more staring and pawing than jumping. Dunno though, could be imagining things.
I was normally up very late because my team was multinational, and I had to translate their reports every night from Portuguese-English, Dutch-English, Flemish-English and American-English etc, into MTM-English. Yoda just sat their quietly, (admiring my gifted genius naturally), and I found that tickling her between the ears was a real tension buster at two in the morning as I tried to figure out what some of the guys were trying to write. This one I will never forget from Carlos, the Portuguese guy. Lovely bloke, and clearly had better English than my Portuguese, but he had a small failing. Every night I would read his reports and become exasperated:
"Carlos, you know when the words have little squiggly red lines underneath them?"
"Yeth."
"That's because they're spelt wrong."
"Oh."
"Do you know what spellchecker is?"
"Not yet..." Cue big grin from Carlos and the knowledge that he's coming back up to the Ops Room for an IT lesson from Uncle MTM.
The very next night I sat down and read Carlos' report. It was worse than anything which had ever gone before. It had also reached insane o'clock in the morning and I didn't want to wake him. Bloke had had a hard day and had done well. I was baffled by what had happened. There was one sentence in particular which had me clueless: "Mr X was filleted by the Radical Party." Of all the political parties in Bosnia at the time, the Radical Party was the only one which had an honest name. (The Progressive Democratic Party for example was more likely to shoot your children than further democracy). So I thought about it for a while. Had the Radicals really killed Mr X, and taken his bones out? It seemed a bit extreme - even for them.
Then I realised what had happened.
Just about every word which Carlos typed was spelt wrong. He had employed spellchecker and accepted the first suggestion thrown out by Word every single time. Then he had accepted all the grammar changes which were recommended as well. Hence the nightmare. I put an 'x' in front of all the words where the sentence had become meaningless and did another spell-check, in the hope that it would show me all the alternatives which Carlos could have picked from first time round.
Eureka!
Mr X had not been filleted by the Radical Party. (Yay!). Mr X was affiliated to the Radical Party.
I'm assuming that Mr X was as relieved by this as I was.
Anyway, I digress. Yoda became an outstanding guard-dog. Our house was really in the middle of nowhere, and if anyone strange came near she would bark like a mad thing. One day my boss, who was French, came to visit. I was upstairs when he arrived but heard a lot of commotion. When he finally arrived Herve was not a happy camper:
"Ey, Ey. Yur durg!"
"Yes sir?"
"Yur durg it az bit me."
"I'm sorry sir I don't quite follow."
"Yur steenking durg it az bit me on ze hass!"
He then turned round and showed me the rip in the seat of his trousers. Yoda got extra MREs that night.
Favourite book: Can't do that either really. But for a series I can read again and again I would have to say the books of David Eddings. They're sort of sword and sorcery type epics that go on forever and ever. They're also absolutely hilarious and very human.
(I note that two of these answers could look bad. I don't actually sit at home in a stormtrooper outfit playing dungeons and dragons games with a 12 sided luck-dice. "Hey look guys, I'm a seventh level magic user!" I am actually a very balanced individual. Ahem).
Favourite passage from Q4A (if you don't have one, lie): You don't make it easy do you? I only came to it late and am still working my way through from the beginning, so it's not fair to answer properly yet. Of the bits I have read - umm, probably when you first got out there. But I'm probably saying that because it's the bit I'm on at the moment. (Stop Press. Actually not any more - I'm up to July - could be the description of the kids).
Onto the kids, Genevieve is the youngest at 7 & is very sweet & has latched onto me already.
Lizzie is 11, she is a very good kid & stunningly pretty, although I am not allowed to tell her as too many people already have.
Think Elizabeth Taylor in National Velvet.
Innes, a boy, is 13, he has a shock of untamable red hair & looks like neither parent. He thinks a lot & says some very funny things.
Zoe is 13, going on 33. She is extremely opinionated. She said to me this morning 'If they ever find Saddam Hussain they should drill a hole in his head to release the demons'
For recent bits - could be the lessons in Kiwi.
Favourite photo from Q4A (ditto): Again, haven't seen 'em all, but neddies in the mist was ace, and I have to say that the 'Briggsy in Two Bottle Shocker' is an image I will find hard to forget.
Favourite smell: For God's sake. I need a month to figure this all out. Girls' hair after they've washed it. For some reason girl shampoo always smells really nice, and boy shampoo doesn't really smell of anything. The sea. Chip shop chips with lots of vinegar. Dawn and dusk in the woods. The Dining Hall at DYRMS. I went back there for the first time in about ten years last Old Boys. Everyone knows that smells are very evocative. This was absolutely amazing. It still smells exactly the same as when I first walked into it in 1984. It wasn't just a reminder. It was the same. Mind-blowing.
Most essential quality in a friend: Loyalty.
Most desirable quality in a partner: Aaarggghh. Can't be narrowed down to one - needs to be a combination of the following: loyalty, honesty, intelligence, humour, patience, cuddly and about a thousand other things I've forgotten.
Most embarrassing moment: No way.
Proudest achievement: Hasn't happened yet. : )
Saddest memory: Funerals. And messing things up with a girlfriend. Unbelievable idiocy on my part. Not cheating or anything like that. Just not paying attention and kind of just drifting away. I'm ashamed of myself every time I think of it. Particularly because I did it twice to the same girl. I hurt her enormously and I will never forgive myself for it.
Happiest memory: Again, sorry, can't answer this one. There is no happiest. There are several very happies though.
Hero: Don't have one.
Buried or cremated ? Where ? Why ? Neither. Not applicable. Because I'm going to live forever...
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